Painful Secrets

SUMMARY: When you’re hiding something you’d die to keep a secret…..
POSTED: 1 Dec 2003
WARNINGS: None Listed
AUTHOR NOTES: I wrote this for Cal coz she beta’s my stuff. She wants to write a companion peice/ colaboration/sequel thing to go with it (as you can see I’m a little confused) – so now it has been posted.
STATUS: Completed

Cordelia managed to wait a full five minutes after the boys left before she excused herself from Fred’s hovering presence. She didn’t know how she managed it, she never did. Her head hurt so much it felt like it was floating and it wasn’t even a part of her body anymore.

She could hear Fred humming to herself in the reception area, and could feel the unbearable pain in her head spike with each tiny sound. If she were able to move, she would have been quite capable of murdering Fred- just to make the noise stop. Instead she looked over to the other woman, making sure that she wasn’t watching before she pushed herself upwards, standing very slowly so she didn’t just pass out. She’d learnt her lesson earlier when she’d tried to sit up too fast after the vision, Angel had looked so worried, for an instant she thought he wasn’t going to go.

Cordy’s head swam and she paused for a moment. The pain was almost a constant thing now- she would think she’d be used to it, but every time she is just about used to it, she has another vision, or there is another fight and the pain just increases. She’s often wondered whether it was possible for her to be pain free, she certainly couldn’t remember the last time her head felt normal. Heck she wasn’t even sure what normal was anymore.

She managed to retain the amount of forethought, to make her way to the other stairs, or maybe she was just getting better at hiding things. At least now if Fred looked over all she’d see was an empty room, and would assume Cordelia was ok. She reached the emergency fire stairs and opened the door, cold grey concrete greeted her and she moaned out loud. Why didn’t this hotel have a lift? Even Angel’s old apartment had had one.

It must have taken her something like 15 minutes to make her way upstairs and at the top she resisted the urge to sink to the floor and just crawl to her room. She found herself in the doorway to the bathroom adjoining the room that had been dubbed hers.
She couldn’t remember getting there, which if she could think straight would have been slightly worried about. She wasn’t worried about dying, that was a given, but losing her mind, that would be scary.

She staggered in and scanned the bottles in the cabinet, painkillers hidden in vitamin bottles and in various draws, some were even next to her bed, hidden in a mint bottle. Cordelia reached out and selected three bottles at random, tipping what to someone else would seem to be an excess of pills into her palm she filled the glass that was always sitting on the cabinet and took some water and a few pills and tilted her head back, swallowing smoothly.

Her head span once more and she sank to the tiled floor, resting her head against the bathtub. If she could just rest her eyes for a moment… Just a few seconds…

Cordelia woke up an indefinite amount of time later, the throbbing in her head at an almost manageable level. She sat up and hearing voices downstairs, made herself stand. She looked in the mirror, making sure she looked fine before she glanced down noticing all the bottles and the spilt pills. Oh my god, I’m a pill popper. I pop pills like candy. I’m turning into my mother!

Cordy swiped her arm across the sink top, spilling everything into the tub before she haphazardly in her preoccupation with the thought she’d just had. Hearing Wesley’s footsteps she glanced around, grabbing a towel and throwing it over the remains of her medication.

She squared her shoulders and walked out of the bathroom to begin yet another round of make believe, if she wasn’t careful all this pretending would kill her before the visions did…



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