AUTHORS: NOBODY’S ANGEL (aka LILY) and SCORCH (aka JUDI)
SUMMARY: Angelus and amnesiac Cordy have a conversation.
POSTED: 24 Feb 2004
CATEGORY: Light Angst, Humor
WARNINGS: None Listed
AUTHOR NOTES: Scorch says, “Just something I couldn’t get outta my head and so Lily got dragged along for the ride!!!”
Cordelia had heard the others talking about this Angelus person. According to them, Angelus was the epitome of evil and always lied using the truth as the basis for his lies. Knowing Angel for only a few days, Cordelia wasn’t sure how the dork could stop himself from stuttering let alone be evil.
Cordelia hesitated at the top of the stairs momentarily. There was that nagging reminder that they had all told her to stay as far away from Angelus as possible. Yeah right! He could be her ticket to remembering why the hell she was here, and more importantly, who she was and who all they were in relationship to her. She rested her hand on the railing and took a deep breath before moving down the first step slowly.
When the first bars of the cage came into view, she suddenly started cursing her stubbornness.
Angelus smirked as he backed away from the bars of the cage, he’d felt the seer enter the room before he heard the gasped in breath. The vampire shoved his hands in his pockets as he awaited the first words out of her delectable mouth. Maybe he couldn’t wait. “Cordelia” he purred, “To what do I owe the honour?”
Cordelia squeezed her eyes shut and growled a little. “Damn vampire senses,” she muttered and then gathered her courage before walking the rest of the way down the stairs. “We need to talk,” she informed him in the strongest tone she could possibly manage, knowing that she was talking to a cold blooded killing machine.
Again, Angelus smirked as he watched the brunette timidly face him. There wasn’t a spark of recognition in those hazel eyes as she came face-to-face with him. No recollection of how she had bluffed with having holy water and no recollection of the night he had tackled her to the ground in Sunnydale. “Talk about what baby?” Angelus asked with an innocent expression on his face.
Cordelia fumbled with the words in her head, trying to figure out the best way to find out what she needed know… everything. “Who… what…did we?” She couldn’t shake the feeling that there had been something between them, but she didn’t know exactly what it was. Truthfully, she didn’t really know if she wanted too. “Was there anything between us?” she finally asked, not knowing what his answer would be.
Sensing an opportunity here, Angelus gave the brunette the most heart broken expression he could. Placing his large hand over his heart, the vampire forced tears to glaze his obsidian eyes as he looked at her. “You can’t remember?” he asked, pain and sheer anguish tainted his tone as he spoke.
Cordelia swallowed the large lump that had formed in her throat at the sight of his expression. She almost gave in to his act before he defence mechanisms kicked in. “Duh! I don’t remember anything dumbass, not even who I am!” She walked closer to the cage, just out of his reach and looked at him seriously. “Just tell me, please. I need to know. I need to remember who I am and what we were to each other”
“You were… You are” Angelus amended as he choked on emotion, “My world.” The vampire blinked back more tears as he gave the seer another heart wrenching look. “We were everything to each other”
Cordelia chewed on her lower lip as she contemplated his words. “Why does everyone tell me to stay away from you then? If I’m your world, then why am I supposed to stay in the next county?”
Sauntering towards the bars of the cage, Angelus shook his head as though wondering why she would be told something like that. “Because” he began in a throaty voice that got her undivided attention. “They don’t understand about us, about you and me”
“They said that you’d try to kill me,” she told him with her eyebrow arched, her hands on her hips, but her body was betraying her, reacting to his voice and body language.
Angelus looked surprised, his eyebrows went to hair line and his jaw dropped to the floor. Shaking his head rapidly from side-to-side, the vampire denied the idea profusely. “I would never kill you Cordy” he shook his head again, “You’re my world. It’s just that…” his voice trailed off wistfully. “It’s just that they don’t know what happened between us all those years ago baby”
Cordelia eyed him suspiciously as she began to pace back and forth in front of the cage. She’d be crazy to believe anything he said, right? She chewed on her thumbnail nervously. He was a vampire and they were just normal humans like her. Well, apart from the fact they were dead so to speak. So she should believe them, right? Aw, screw it. “What happened?”
“I met you five years ago” Angelus began, a far away look in his midnight eyes. “You were so beautiful, I wanted you” he stated in an voice that showed no remorse for his blunt words. “I wanted you in every way a man, vampire, could want a woman” he turned away from her, wiped his eyes and covered up a snigger with a sniff. “I was soulless then, no-one would have let me talk to you let alone touch you”
“No one would let you?” she asked with irritation. “Last time I checked, I’m my own woman.” She looked at him again and stepped a little closer to the cage. “You wanted me, even without a soul? I thought you needed a soul to, you know, feel anything…nice?
Angelus gazed at her beseechingly, as though begging her to believe him. He remembered how terrified Cordelia had been when he tackled her to the ground all those years ago, the scent of her fear still made him hard. Instead of voicing the sentence that would end this, the vampire agreed with her entirely.
“I tried to tell them that you were your own woman” Angelus growled in frustration. Balling up his hands into tight fists, the vampire’s expression changed to pure anger. “But no-one would listen, they kept me away from you”
“And how did I feel about this?” she asked with genuine curiosity. Cordelia didn’t like the idea of having to trust someone she didn’t even know to tell her how she felt five years before about them, but what choice did she have? None of the others would give her a straight answer about him, and her body was humming just being near him. When the hell did that start? she wondered.
Angelus shook his head, desperation written all over his angelic face as he gazed at her with nothing but love in his eyes. “You always said it didn’t matter, what they said didn’t matter, that me not having a soul didn’t matter. You loved me baby.” He could taste the arousal coming from her body as began to react to his body in the female opposition to his male reaction. “All we had was…” he took a moment to get past the sniggering to give choked emotional words.
“Was what?” she asked, her voice a breathy whisper as she felt herself pulled closer to him by an unseen force.
“All we had was stolen moments when I would see you being used as bait” Angelus spat the word out in disgust, angered that his woman would be used in that way. “Or when I would come to your house”
Reaching through the bars of his cage, the dark haired vampire curled his around her slender arm and twirling his thumb around in circles. “They used you” Angelus ground out through gritted teeth, “As bait, putting you in danger while they fought the good fight” he couldn’t help the sarcastic way his words came out. “They wouldn’t even let me protect you because I was soulless” he saw the look on Cordelia’s face and knew she was feeling for their romance.
Angelus inwardly sniggered and gave himself a mental pat on the back.
“Remind me to bitch slap whoever used me as bait if I ever see them,” she whispered, her eyes locked in his. “What did I need protection from, if not you? Wesley said that you and I had an encounter once, and he didn’t make it sound very romantic.” She was beginning to hope that everything the others had told her was a lie. She kinda liked the feeling that was coming over her as he gently pulled her against the cage.
Taking his hand from around her arm, Angelus cupped Cordelia’s soft cheek gently and ran his fingertips over her full lips. “You never needed protection from me baby” he whispered as truthfully as he could. “We had one encounter in front of them” he made it sound like the others were the enemy. “But I had to make it look like I wanted to hurt you”
Cordelia leaned into his touch, desperate to feel something, to remember anything. And she was. Finally he was giving her what she needed, memories of her life. “So we were star-crossed lovers and all?”
Smiling genuinely at her, Angelus ran his hand down her body and brought her closer to the bars and nuzzled her hair through the cold steel. “No baby” he murmured, hiding his smirk of elation, “We weren’t star-crossed lovers. Just two people in love that were kept apart by people who didn’t think we should be together”
“In all honesty, can’t say as I’d blame them. I mean, you are evil and all, but…” Her words trailed off as he tipped her face up to look at his. “Bad can be good, right? I mean, in a sick and demented kinda way?” She didn’t really believe the sick and demented part, and she was sure that her voice showed she didn’t, but she had to make up some excuse for the feelings that were flowing.
He smiled at her words and believing expression. “Evil can also mean great in bed with a flexible cheerleader” it was too late for him to take back his words. Angelus paused, wondering if he screwed this opportunity up before he had even started.
Cordelia’s face changed to one of shock and disbelief before back to curiosity. “Did we ever test out that theory?”
“All the time” Angelus told her as he pulled away from her clinging touch much to the seer’s disappointment. “Especially after one of your games. You always got me so hard for you that I could never wait until I got you home. We had some of our best times in the back seat of my car”
Cordelia sighed longingly and turned to the side before leaning against the bars, staring at the wall. “I wish I remembered.”
She missed the evil grin that quickly appeared and disappeared. “Not that hard baby” Angelus told her as he moved away a little more. “You were up for anything back in the day. Always ready to please me, do what I told you” the vampire looked back at her with a self satisfied smirk tilting his lips upwards. “You were such a goer”
She smirked at him, a light pink touching her cheeks as she blushed slightly at his blunt description of her. She so desperately wanted to remember for herself, not just hear his words, but she didn’t know if she ever would. “Help me remember?” As soon as the words left her lips, she tried to pull them back. He was still a vampire, and she had no proof, other than the increasing heat in her body, that he was telling her anything that resembled the truth.
“Bad idea, never mind,” she blurted out and turned away from him in embarrassment.
Angelus gave a very male sound that made her turn back to him, “You wore leather, skin tight latex leather for me. I remember the catsuit!” He chuckled as he continued with his enjoyable game. “I called you a sex kitten and you purred all night long”
Cordelia struggled to swallow as a small shiver of excitement ran through her. She was speechless, wanting and needing more from him.
“Oh yeah, you were into everything horny baby”
She pointed haphazardly to the stairs, her eyes never leaving his. “I should probably go…I think I need to turn the air up or something. It’s really hot down here…” she rambled, trying to cover for her body’s overzealous reactions. She had functions kicking into overdrive that should be in park with the engine turned off.
“Don’t go” Angelus pleaded, hiding his wicked grin. “This is the first time we’ve been alone without the soul. You never loved the soul” he told Cordelia when she halted her escape. “You never loved the soul, it was only me” her expression went from confusion to curiosity as she asked how that was possible. “Because the soul never allowed me to love you like I did”
“Besides” Angelus shrugged carelessly, “It’s our anniversary”
“Anniversary?” she asked, stepping back to the bars that separated them.
“Five years baby” Angelus answered the seer with pride in his voice, “We’ve been together five years. Despite them trying to keep you from me”
“How did we…what about with the soul? I mean, did we still…were we still together then?” She was still confused, and now she had other feelings riding on everything. Including the feelings that were sending vibrations throughout her body.
Shaking his head, the vampire answered the question of their intimacy. “You would never betray me like that, you would never be with the soul that denied my feelings for you” if he could make her believe that the soul was bad and him good, that would be great. “He suppressed me, pushed me down” Angelus growled in frustration again, clenching his hands into fists.
“Never let me touch you, God Cordy” he looked at her with heart wrenching sorrow on his handsome face. “All I wanted was to hold you and the soul, them up there, wouldn’t let me” he inwardly sniggered at the anger now scrunching her face into a frown.
“Why do people have to be so damn…stifling?” She started pacing again, ideas and thoughts starting to run through her head at freight train speed. “You’d think, with the soul, he’d let you, not that I’d want him to…I don’t think…anyways, I mean, because then he’d have more control or something. That’s it, isn’t it?! The soul is like some big control freak! I hate people like that… I think…” She stopped pacing and faced him seriously. “So what are we gonna do?”
“What can we do?” Angelus asked, his dark eyes showing nothing but heart break. “The soul controls me, they keep you from me, you don’t remember how you feel and it kills me”
“So? Are we just gonna sit around and sing happy little camp songs while they try to put that control freak back in you? Are we going to let them tell us what we can and can’t do? I’m sure as hell not.” She walked to the table and placed her fingers on the keys to the cage. “Are you going to let them control you anymore?” she asked.
Wrapping his male fingers around hers, Angelus covered her warm touch with a cool but welcome caress. “As long as you know how much I love you and how much you love me, I don’t care.” The vampire knew he had conducted the best revenge against his soul when Cordelia turned glassy, tear filled hazel orbs up to lock with his onyx ones.
“Just remember what you mean to me” his hypnotic voice dropped to a husky whisper as he brought his body as close to hers as the bars would allow. The tingling sensation in his chest signalled the returning of his soul. “This is the last time I’ll see you until the soul is taken away again”
Cordelia shook her head and grabbed onto him tightly. “No, I won’t give up on you.” She choked back her tears, but soon there were too many and they were falling freely down her cheeks. “I need to remember. I need you to help me remember, and how can you do that if you’re gone?”
Angelus didn’t have a chance to respond as the tingling turned into a deep ache. “I… Love… You…” he managed to gasp before he stumbled back and onto the floor of his cage. “Angelus, not Angel” Then, to the brunette’s horrified gaze, the vampire groaned loudly in pain before he became still.
Cordelia stepped away from the cage, struggling with the want to run to him and to run away. Her body shuddered with her muffled sobs as she covered her mouth with the back of her hand. “Angelus?” she whispered.
Angel heard the anguish in his seer’s voice and the strong scent of her tears was overwhelming. Rolling onto his side, the soulled vampire gazed up at the brunette through guilt-filled eyes and wondered what he had said to bring her to tears. “Cordy?” he choked as he struggled to stand, “It’s Angel”
Cordy backed up again, until her heels hit the stairs. “Why? Why did you have to ruin everything?” she asked, her voice mixed with sadness and bitterness.
“I didn’t mean it…” Angel pleaded with her, his voice and brown eyes showing the full weight of his torment at having reduced the woman he loved to the state of heart breaking sobs. “Cordy please…”
“No! Don’t you pull that with me! And don’t call me Cordy! It’s Cordelia.” She walked up the first few stairs and turned back to look at him. “I hope you get everything that’s coming to you, you miserable bastard.” She walked up the stairs and slammed the door before breaking into full-fledged sobs. She had been so close to finally remembering something and then he had to take it away.
Approaching the young woman, Wesley frowned in confusion before realising she had been downstairs with Angelus and his expression turned to one of knowing. “You were told not to go down there”
She wiped the tears angrily from her cheeks and glared at him. “I don’t follow orders from someone I don’t even know,” she told him forcefully and walked into the lobby, ready to walk out the door.
Having been let out of the cage by Fred, Angel ran through the metal door after Cordelia, wondering what the hell was wrong with her. “Cordy…” off her death glare he amended the name “Cordelia, whatever I said isn’t the truth. Angelus lies!”
“You don’t even know what he said, so how can you stand there and tell me it was a lie?” she fumed, her eyes flashing in rage as she turned back to him. “You’re nothing but a poor excuse for a vampire that wants to control everything. You can’t handle it, can you? Not being able to control everything? Well guess what? You can’t control me, or what I do.”
Angel was lost. What had been said? “What… Control… I don’t… Cordelia!” the vampire grouched out in disbelief at her glare. “Don’t listen to Angelus!” he pleaded with her, not yet having his memory back. “He is a part of me yes, but he’s a soulless evil monster. You can’t trust him”
“And I can you?” she cried out in disbelief. “Since I’ve been back, you’ve lied to me, and tried to make me believe that you were something that you aren’t. Human.” She made a point of putting the emphasis on her last word. “And to top it all off, now you want me to believe that everything that I just felt down there is a lie too? You’re unbelievable…literally.”
“I’m the one who you should believe” Angel yelled at her, not caring about how loud his voice had gotten. “Not Angelus, me” he pointed to himself, “He only says what will hurt me. He used you to get to me.” Yes, he realised how stupid it sounded; using himself to get to himself. He wondered if he should sign up for therapy now or wait until he was close to suicide.
Cordelia finally pulled herself together and turned her icy gaze back onto Angel. “I hope you’re happy.” Before he could answer, she stalked over to him, and looked him up and down with disgust. “You took away the only person that has actually made me feeling anything positive since I turned up in this hell hole. Great job. Now do me a favour and never taint my memory of him by making me see your face ever again.” Her face had been close enough to his ear for him to feel her warm breath as she whispered her words to him and made a move to leave before his stunned statement stopped her.
“Your memory of him? Taint?” Angel’s voice went high pitched with amazement, shock and disbelief. His brown eyes were swallowed with dilated black pupils as he stared at the heart broken brunette in front of him. “I don’t understand”
“There are a lot of things that I don’t understand either, but you know what? We gotta deal with them,” she answered coldly, crossing her arms over her chest. “What does it matter anyways? It’s not like you really care.”
“I do care!” he growled, ignoring the looks from the others as he glared hard at Cordelia. “If you remembered, you’d know that”
Cordelia’s icy facade melted as she bit her lip to keep from breaking down again. “I would give anything, anything, to remember right now. I want to remember who I am and who all of you are, but you know what? I can’t. All I have to go on is what someone who actually made me feel like a person, not a fragile doll, told me. I’m sorry if that’s not good enough for you.” She turned away from him, refusing to let him see her weakness.
Carefully approaching the brunette, Angel reached out and touched her shoulder, only to have Cordelia shrugging him and giving him a cold stare. “Whatever Angelus, whatever I said” he amended, “Were lies”
“You’d like me to believe that, but I can’t. I won’t let you control me or make me betray him in anyway.” She turned to him, hoping to see Angelus looking back at her, but sighed with disappointment when she saw the soul settled deep in his eyes. “Why can’t you let us be happy? Any of you?”
“Let who be happy?” Angel was completely lost!
“Me!” she cried out and rolled her eyes. “Me and Angelus. Why can’t you just let us be together? Does my happiness mean anything to you? And that wasn’t a low blow, because I seriously can’t remember.”
Everyone’s jaw hit the floor as Cordelia yelled out her frustrations. One by one, Gunn turned to Fred who turned to Wesley who looked at an equally stunned Angel who was lost for words. His mouth kept opening and closing, trying desperately to get back the conversation between Cordelia and Angelus. “Let you and Angelus be together?” he spoke in a low monotone as those words went round and round in his brain a few times. “You and Angelus?” he said slowly, as if to confirm that was indeed what she had yelled.
“Yes, me and Angelus. God, you can’t even accept it can you? We were in love, and you couldn’t handle it. You had to have everything, control everything, and when you couldn’t, you stuffed him away so we couldn’t be together.” Her pain and anguish was written all over her face and laced in her voice. “Why can’t you just let me be happy Angel?”
Just as the whole conversation came rushing back to him, Angel watched as his seer and woman he loved storm out of the Hyperion. Blinking in rapid succession, the vampire stood routed to the spot as he remembered everything Cordelia had been told. Then, with a horrifying realisation, Angel recounted tell her everything had been a lie. “Oh shit!”