Big D


AUTHOR: SCORCH (aka JUDE)
SUMMARY: Angel feels the full wrath of Cordelia’s opinions.
RATING: PG13
POSTED: 1 Aug 2003
CATEGORY: HUMOR
CONTENT/PAIRING: C/A
WARNINGS: None Listed
FICPIC CREDIT: N/A
AUTHOR NOTES: None
STATUS: None


“Angel, you can’t be serious” Cordelia pleaded with the vampire who was cradling his son on the couch in his room.

Angel gave her a weird look, “Cordy, what’s the matter with it? It’s one of my personal favourites,” he told her as he cooed to his giggling son.

“This is just wrong Angel, how can you allow your son to be subjected to that?” she asked desperately, was Angel looking for his son to turn to scandalous movies?

Angel gave an amused smile, “What’s wrong with Snow White? It’s Disney, there’s no violence or bloodshed or anything bad…”

“Nothing bad? Nothing bad?” Cordelia yelled incredulously as she paced in front of the astounded vampire. “Snow White is one of Big D’s most scandalous cartoons of them all”

“How is a Disney cartoon scandalous?” Angel was sure he was going to regret asking but he had to know anyway.

“Okay lets look at the facts shall we?” Cordelia began. “First off we are asked to believe that this lovely young woman slept helplessly within reach of seven men who were old, ugly and infirm. Thus, they would never have gotten any, do you know of any sex-starved men who would let a beautiful, helpless woman sleep by herself? I think not” she gave him a knowing look before continuing.

“Lets look at these vertically challenged ‘harmless’ little men. We have Doc, his name totally spells the fact that he was kicked out of medical school, he was probably the one who came up with the formula for the ‘potion’ used to make Snow helpless. Then we have Sleepy, Doc gave him that name because he was an undiagnosed narcoleptic”

Angel felt his jaw drop in absolute astonishment as his seer kept talking.

“Next on the list of suspects is Grumpy” Cordelia counted them off one by one on her fingers. “Grumpy was only Mr. Groucho because Doc couldn’t get his hands on anymore methadone. So he was on a permanent downer. Now we come to Happy, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what he was dealing in. Sneezy, everybody knows when you have a severe nasal problem like that you’re probably an addict of all sorts of inhalants”

Cordelia continued as she started to get into her opinions of Disney’s Snow White. “Dopey, enough said. Last but not least, we have Bashful who was obviously an ex Catholic priest with low self-esteem”

“Cordy, you are…” Angel began but he was cut off by Cordelia’s rant.

“Come on Angel, how am I supposed to believe that seven men who have zero chance of scoring a touchdown in a sexual liaison passed up this chance? I know for a fact that Dopey gave her a, and I quote, well intentioned kiss on her forehead.” Cordelia gave Angel a look.

Angel couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of Cordelia’s mouth, he just sat there in utter disbelief. There nothing to describe what he was thinking right then.

She began to pace back and forth, “Cue Handsome Prince Charming” she told the astounded vampire. “He comes along on his noble steed or CLK Mercedes, which ever you prefer. He opens the glass coffin, coffin insinuating poor little Snow is dead by the way, and plants a doozy of a smooch squarely on her kisser” Cordelia stopped to take a breath and looked back to Angel expectantly.

“Can anybody here say necrophilia?” she asked, “Let’s recap the facts I have so clearly pointed out”

“Cordy…” Angel finally managed to speak but was cut off again by more of her ranting.

“Fact number one” Cordelia shushed him and began to count on her fingers again. “We all know that Snow was a babe right?”

Angel could only nod in reply, his power of speech seemed to be cut off.

“Right. Fact number two she was left helpless in a glass coffin. Fact number three, she was coveted and ‘handled’ by said guardians while being all helpless. Fact five, said guardians were old, infirm and slow-witted. In other words, we have six horny little people and one who wasn’t quite sure if he was horny or not”

“This shows we have a bunch of horny men ‘handling’ and ‘caring’ for a helpless babe. So tell me Angel, do you think Snow White is a good movie to have your infant son watching hmm?” Cordelia asked expectantly as she tapped her foot and crossed her arms.

Even as her words tumbled from her mouth, Angel still struggled to believe she was saying them. To say he was stunned was an understatement. “How… I can’t… You’re…” he took a deep unnecessary but needed breath and gave up.

“How about the Little Mermaid?” Angel eventually asked helplessly.

 


…THE END…


 

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