The Sacrifices We Make

SUMMARY: For the purposes of this story Angel is still in love with Buffy for the present. Angel’s demon wants Cordy and always has and can’t understand Angel’s obsession with the slayer. Cordy is desperately in love with Angel but understands that he can never know how she feels, because B/A the great love story of the decade?? This story is set in the early days of AI, when Angel was slipped the ‘happy pill’ by Rebecca Lowell. Cordy knows that the effects of the pill will eventually wear off and Angel will be back to his old broody self.The demon has been let out to play and Cordy is his target.
POSTED: 13 Dec 2003
CONTENT/PAIRING: B/A to begin, C/AUS with eventual C/A
WARNINGS: Explicit Sexual Content, Language Use
STATUS: Incomplete


For the purposes of this story Angel is still in love with Buffy for the present.

Angel’s demon wants Cordy and always has and can’t understand Angel’s obsession with the slayer.

Cordy is desperately in love with Angel but understands that he can never know how she feels, because B/A the great love story of the decade ??

This story is set in the early days of AI, when Angel was slipped the ‘happy pill’ by Rebecca Lowell.

Cordy knows that the effects of the pill will eventually wear off and Angel will be back to his old broody self.

The demon has been let out to play and Cordy is his target.


The story starts with Wesley and Cordelia being confronted by Angelus after they come to Rebecca’s rescue ………

“Angel what you are experiencing is only an illusion, it’s not true happiness, the effects of the pill will wear off”, the ex-watcher desperately tried to make his employer see sense and listen to what he was saying.

He noticed with a growing fear that the Vampire wasn’t listening to him, his entire being was focused on the beautiful but trembling seer standing directly in front of him.

“Now listen here Angel, this just won’t do at all, you need to get a grip on yourself, you are not Angelus, do you understand me Angel, I repeat you are not Angelus” the ex-watcher swiftly grabbed the seer around the waist and deposited her behind his back.

The vampire growled low in his throat when the object of his desire was removed from his line of vision and he advanced on the watcher never breaking eye contact with him.

“Mistake number one Wesley, daring to touch what is mine. Mistake number two, assuming I am not Angelus.

“What do you mean touching what’s yours” the flustered watcher spluttered.

“Tut, tut, Wesley, for a former watcher you’re a little slow on the uptake, but that’s only to be expected I suppose, after all, look at the stellar job you did as Buffy’s watcher ” the vampire sneered.

“Let me enlighten you, the Seer is mine”.

Cordelia gasped audibly from her position behind Wesley’s back and retreated further back into the reception area of the office.

This was all the vampire needed, quick as lightening he sidestepped Wesley and advanced on Cordelia gathering her up in his arms and throwing her over his shoulder.

Wesley turned around just as the vampire had picked the shell shocked seer up.

“Oh dear, this is most inappropriate, Wesley muttered.

“Put Cordelia down this instant Angel”.

The Vampire merely winked at the Watcher as his free hand connected with his jaw rendering him unconscious.

“Names Angelus don’t you ever listen to anything I tell you Wesley” he sneered as he threw Wesley’s lifeless body inside his office and locked the door on him.

Cordelia had been squirming and struggling to find a way out of Angelus’ hold on her, but to no avail, he was just too strong. That was more than evident in the way he had dealt with Wesley while he still had hold of Cordelia.

The vampire then descended the stairs to his living area.

“Angel put me down; you don’t want to do anything you’ll regret later”.

“There’s no way I’m ever going to regret anything to do with you Cordelia and as I keep saying the names Angelus”.

“Did anyone ever tell you, you have a lovely ass” he murmured as he gave her backside a firm yet gentle slap.

“I swear you’ll be so dead Angel, if you don’t put me down this instant”. “I’m already dead baby, but you’re just the woman to bring me back to life” he replied.

The vampire then placed the seer down on her feet facing him. Before she could reply to him, he brushed his lips gently across hers.

The sensation she experienced from that simple act rocked her world, it went far beyond anything she had ever experienced before and it wasn’t even a full blown kiss. This was not what the Seer had been expecting and it caught her off guard.

Angelus noticed the surprise evident on her lovely face.

“Let me tell you something Cordelia, you’re mine, you’re my seer and I want you and I’m going to have you”.

“Is that supposed to make me feel better, is that supposed to make me feel all glowy inside, knowing that you’re going to rape me and then kill me”

“Why Cordelia, I’m offended, what kind of Vampire do you take me for? Don’t believe all those stories you’ve heard and read about me. I can assure you that I take very good care of my belongings”.

He leaned in closer to his seer and spoke in a voice so deep and rich it made her shudder, “I have no intention of raping you or killing you, but I am going to make you feel all glowy and not just on the inside baby”.

Despite herself, Cordelia’s heart did a little flip at the imagery that little scenario played in her mind. Ever the trooper she chose to ignore that. Angel was her best friend, she didn’t want to do anything to jeopardise that.

“Angel, I know that’s you in there and not Angelus, you just have to be strong and fight against whatever it is you’re feeling, because it’s not real, its artificial, remember Rebecca Lowell, that cheap two bit actress, she slipped you a happy pill and that’s why you’re acting like this”.

The vampire’s mouth lifted slightly at the corners and his eyes held a twinkle of amusement. “What I’m feeling is very real”.

Cordelia began grasping at whatever straw she could find to try and make Angel see sense.

“Buffy, what about Buffy, love of your life. You remember what happened when you got groiny with her, Angelus emerged, world in peril, you don’t want to lose your soul again do you, cos then the slayer would have to kick your ass”.

Seeing this was having no effect she continued,

“Hello, being sent to hell ring any bells with you”.

“Angel, just imagine how awful you’ll feel when the effects of the drug wear off and you remember what you’ve done. I mean you can brood for the whole world already, let’s not add to it”.

The Vampire let out a loud chuckle.

“Oh but it would be so worth it, that souled idiot wants you as much as I do, but he hasn’t got the balls to do anything about it. Remember baby, I know what he thinks, how he feels, I know the real truth. I won’t lose my soul Cordelia, because I am Angelus and I would never do anything to hurt you”.

The Vampire brushed his lips across the seers again in a slow and gentle kiss.

“If I wanted to kill you, you’d already be dead, ever think of that?” he murmured as he withdrew from the kiss.

Cordelia’s mind was in a frenzy, one part of her was desperately in love with Angel, and wanted nothing more than to give into her baser desires and fling herself into the Vampire’s arms, but the other more sensible side of her, knew that if she allowed this to happen, then her relationship with Angel would be ruined. She didn’t want to lose Angel; he was her best friend, not to mention that Angel would be mortified once the effects of the drug had worn off.

Maybe Angel won’t remember she mused, no, no, no, Cordy, Angel remembers Angelus’ deeds what are you thinking.

Angelus as if reading her thoughts, interrupted her raging internal debate.

“Angel wants this every bit as much as I do, don’t fight it Cordelia allow yourself to be loved”.

As Cordelia looked into the Vampires molten eyes, she felt herself go weak at the knees.

She had been alone for what seemed like ever, her body and mind suffered abuse almost daily at the hands of the visions she had inherited for Angel. She wanted nothing more than to feel loved, loved by Angel, and if Angelus wanted her so badly, what harm could it do. Angel didn’t love her, he had eyes for the slayer only and that was never going to change, this would be her only chance to feel loved, she could believe that it was really Angel; after all they wore the same face.

Perhaps sensing her resolve was weakening, Angelus cupped her face between his hands.

“Let me love you Cordelia, let me take away some of the pain I know you go through, let me try and soothe your ravaged mind and body, there’s been more than enough pain and suffering let me replace it with love”.

Angelus could hardly believe his own ears, but the truth was this was the effect the beautiful brunette had on the demon. If Angel was too much of a wimp to act on his feelings, Angelus wasn’t.

Maybe this would be just the kick the souled moron needed to admit his true feelings and to finally realise what Angelus had always known.

Angel would never lose his soul with Cordelia, because for once Angelus and Angel were in complete agreement with regards to the seer and the sooner Angel accepted that the better.
art 2

Angelus lowered his face to Cordelia’s and gently captured her soft moist lips with his cool firm mouth. Cordelia was stunned by the force of feeling and emotions running through her body by this briefest of contact and could only stand helplessly as Angelus ran his tongue along her bottom lip and gently nipped her lower nip.

“Kiss me back baby” he whispered passionately to her. Lacing her arms around the back of the vampire’s neck, Cordelia opened her mouth and Angelus sucked her tongue into his mouth before releasing it, and sweeping his tongue back into her mouth.

Angelus felt himself being swept away on an ever increasing tidal wave of passion from tasting the beautiful seer. He knew she would taste good, but this surpassed even his wildest dreams of just how good she would taste. He moaned into her mouth, deepening the kiss as he took hold of one of her hands and placed it on his burgeoning erection.

Cordelia broke from the kiss in shock at his bold action and found herself staring into eyes which were as dark and sinful as the night and laden with desire.

“Can you feel that, can you feel what you do to me, this is how hot you make me feel all the damm time. “But how……… why ………. I don’t understand”. The vampire let out a little chuckle. “Cordy, Cordy can you really be that naive?? …….. how ………. why, you don’t understand. I’ll let you in on a little secret because I’m part of Angel and I know exactly what he feels every minute of every day, awake or asleep, I’m always there baby, watching, feeling, hell I’m even in his dreams. I know who he dreams about, I know who he’s thinking of when he wakes up moaning and pumping his erection. It’s you Cordy, it’s always you”.

Angelus watched as the seer’s eyes widened in disbelief and amazement.

“I don’t know what sick little game you are trying to play now Angelus, but it won’t work, not with me”. If you want me, at least be man enough to admit it without dragging Angel into the equation, Angel is in love with the slayer and he always will be, it’s part of the reason he came to LA in the first place”.

Angelus watched fascinated as the seer’s breasts rose and fell with her apparent indignation, he licked his lips as her eyes sparkled with unbridled anger and hidden passion, a passion that he would bring to the fore before the night was out.

Smiling lazily the vampire pressed a finger to the seer’s lips. “Shush, so much fire coming from that pretty mouth of yours, I can think of a much better use for that luscious mouth of yours and without warning the vampire captured the seer’s mouth once again with his own.
Cordy let out an audible gasp as the vampire’s tongue once again swept passionately into her mouth, tasting and teasing her with a promise of more to come.

In spite of herself, Cordy began to respond to his dark caress and meshed her tongue with the vampires. This elicited a low moan from the vampire and he deepened the kiss, crushing the seer to him with an intensity borne from having to endure months of unrequited love and passion.

Angelus in all his years had never experienced such feelings that the woman before him was capable of bringing out in him. He knew without doubt that he would never be capable of letting her go. She completed him, she made him whole, she was the only living person able to bind his soul so completely simply by allowing him to love her.

This was a new and alien concept to the dark dangerous vampire, who was capable of crushing the life from her simply by placing one large hand around her neck and twisting. The mere thought of that made the vampire shudder with alarm – again a first for him.

He had never in all the years he had spent with Darla, felt anything remotely resembling love for her or anyone else. His relationship with Darla, was based purely on lust, raw animalistic lust, and there was no hint of anything else to that relationship.

He knew Angel harboured a secret love and desire for the beautiful brunette and for the first time ever, the demon was in complete agreement with the soul. The question was when would Angel accept this and know he could act on his feeling without running the risk of losing his soul.

Angelus was aware of Cordelia struggling against him and realised that she needed to breathe. He reluctantly released her from his embrace and looked deeply into her eyes before he spoke.

“Do you want me baby, I need to hear you tell me that you want me as much as I want you”.

Cordelia had wanted Angel for so long, but believed that the slayer was the only woman he was remotely interested in and even though she knew it was Angelus standing before her and not Angel, she realised that this would be her only chance at experiencing some happiness in her otherwise lonely and painful existence.

She didn’t for one second allow herself to believe Angelus’ earlier comments about Angel secretly loving her. The seer thought that it was his way of trying to get her to acquiesce to his demands. The more logical part of her brain pushed to the background the fact that Angelus was not known for wanting his victims to respond and enjoy his ministrations, that he merely took what he wanted, when he wanted and enjoyed nothing more than inflicting pain on his hapless victims.

The fact that he wanted to hear her tell him how much she wanted him was an important factor, but because of the dazed and confused state she was in, was not picked up on by the seer.

Cordelia decided to hell with it, why not, don’t I deserve a little happiness. Her mind and body ached from the increasingly painful and frequent visions that she was experiencing on an almost daily basis. If the truth be told, she wanted nothing more than to feel loved and wanted, even if it was at the hands of a soulless demon, who felt nothing for her. She knew from her experience with Wilson that there worse things out there than a soulless demon.

She decided that Angelus must be playing some new kind of sick mind game by trying to make her believe that he actually had some feelings for her. Well she could play along with him. If her life was to end at the hands of the demon who wore Angel’s face, then she would dam well get some pleasure out of it before she met her maker.

Her mind made up, Cordy snaked her arms around the Vampire’s neck and looking him directly in the eye she responded, “Yes Angelus, I want you as much as you want me”.

That was all the vampire needed to hear. He lowered his face to the seer’s and captured her lips in a deep powerful kiss, picking her up and placing her legs tightly around his waist. “Hold on tight baby, you’re in for the ride of your life” he whispered as he ripped her panties off and cupped her moist centre.

Cordelia’s eyes flew open at his bold move, she wasn’t sure what to expect from him, after all he was a soulless demon. Any further coherent thoughts left the seers brain, as she felt Angelus plunge first one and then another finger deep inside of her.

“Oh yeah, that feels so good, you’re so fucking hot Cordy, I’m sorry baby, I’ve got to have you now, foreplay can come later”. The seer gasped as the vampire entered her in one swift stroke, instinctively, she began to move away from the painful intrusion, she was frightened and didn’t know what to do.

Regardless of her Sunnydale reputation, she was relatively untouched; sure she had fooled around, but nothing more, not even with Xander. Wilson had been her first and only lover until now and she didn’t remember it being as painful as this.

Angelus sensed her distress and stilled his movements, “Shush, it’s okay, don’t move Cordy, just let yourself get used to feeling me inside you, I won’t do anything to hurt you, I’m sorry baby, but I just couldn’t wait, you drive me insane with wanting you, it’ll be better for you if you’re lying down baby”

The vampire then tightened his grip around the seer’s waist and carried her over to the bed, before he lowered her to the bed he spoke. “Look at me Cordy, really look into my eyes, and tell me what do you see?” The seer raised her head from where it had been buried on the vampires shoulder and looked directly into his eyes.

It was as if time had stood still as the vampire and seer gazed into each others eyes. She saw nothing but pure love and desire shining from his dark passionate gaze. She blinked once in disbelief, surely she was imagining things. When she looked again, she felt as if Angelus was looking directly into her soul with his smouldering gaze.

“It can’t be true, she whispered, you don’t have a soul, you can’t love someone without a soul”.

“I may not have a soul Cordy, but I do have feelings and I am capable of love. It’s true I’ve never loved anyone before, that is until you came along, I can’t explain it, it is what it is and I am what I am, a soulless vicious killer. I’ve never hidden that fact from anyone, not even you. “But I’m a soulless vicious killer with a difference, I’m completely in love with you, a human seer and you have to believe me when I say that I would never do anything to hurt you. Do you believe me baby”? “I believe you” she whispered.

Angelus gently lowered Cordy down onto the bed; still inside of her he raised himself up on his elbows and began to move ever so slowly. Cordelia gasped, “Relax, baby, open up a bit more for me, put your legs around my waist, like this”. He took hold of one of the seer’s legs and wrapped it around his waist, she followed suit placing her other leg around his waist. “That’s it baby, does that feel better?” “Yes she moaned, oh God Angelus, you feel so good”. “So do you baby, so do you”.

The vampire began to increase his thrusts, placing his hands underneath the seer’s buttocks to raise her more fully and to allow deeper penetration. She was so tight and she felt so good, that Angelus knew he wouldn’t be able to last much longer. Cordelia bucked as she felt his cool hand reach between their joined bodies and begin to massage her clit, she felt the world start to dissolve away as he increased the pressure of his thrusts and began to pinch her clit. “That’s it baby, come for me Cordelia, you’re nearly there, just let yourself go for me baby”. The vampire pumped steadily into the seer as he felt her inner muscles clamping down tightly on him.

“So good, baby, that’s so good, I’m gonna come Cordy, come with me” he hoarsely whispered
to her, and with that the vampire and seer both flew over the edge in a blinding flash of light. They both came back down to earth, slowly together.

Angelus looked down at the beautiful woman lying underneath him. “I’m never going to be able to let you go, you know that. Angel will never be able to let you go, not now; you belong to both of us now for ever”.

Angelus then withdrew from the seer and placed an array of butterfly soft kisses over her face and neck. Cordelia moaned as she felt his tongue lathe her firm erect nipples. She sighed in wanton pleasure as Angelus continued his journey downwards.

She almost dissolved into a puddle of nothingness as she felt his cool tongue circle her centre. Without warning he plunged his tongue deep inside of her, tasting himself on her. She wriggled beneath him as he began to devour her center, she moaned in ecstasy when he lathed her clit with his cool firm tongue, pumping her gently with his fingers buried deep inside of her. Unable to hold back any longer, Cordelia came again, and Angelus drank deeply of her.

Before she had time to come back down Angelus plunged his tongue deeply into her mouth.
“This is what you taste like baby, you taste like the sweetest hottest nectar, this is what I crave all the time from you and only you can soothe the deep aching craving I will always have for you”.

“I will love you for all eternity, and nothing will keep us apart nothing”.

Angelus rolled of the seer and pulled her into his powerful embrace. Cordelia had never experienced anything like this ever before. She had never felt so loved and protected as she lay in the arms of Angelus and fell asleep listening to the sweet nothings he was whispering to her.
The first rays of the morning sun began to filter into the darkened bedroom, silent save for the soft breathing of the seer lying spooned against the vampire. As the dawn began to further unfold, the seer stirred in her sleep and sighed softly, and as she did so she felt herself being pulled further into the hard body surrounding her. Suddenly, the seer’s eyes flew open in shock as the events of the previous night replayed themselves in all their glorious detail and she realised with a startling clarity in just who’s arms she was entwined.

“Oh my God, she whispered to herself I so need to get out of here before he wakes up”.

After failing miserably to remove the vice like grip of the vampire’s arm from around her waist, Cordelia stilled for fear of waking him up. Panic began to set in as the seer knew without doubt that she did not want to be here regardless of whether it would be Angel or Angelus who woke up.

Luck was on her side when the vampire suddenly removed his arm from around her waist and rolled over onto his back. Cordelia seized her chance and quickly gathered up her discarded clothes and hightailed it out of the old building. Not until she was back in the safety of her own apartment, did she let out a huge sigh of relief.

Once Cordelia had left, Angel swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat with his head bowed between his hands. He had been awake since Cordelia had sighed in her sleep and he had instinctively tightened his grip on the warm soft body he had awoken to find himself draped over.

To save further embarrassment for either of them, he had pretended he was still asleep and released his seer from his embrace by rolling over onto his back, thus aiding her escape.

Angel had no idea how to deal with the aftermath of Angelus, not this time. His demon had wreaked havoc in his life many many times before, and Angel had to admit that he had outclassed himself this time, he also knew one thing, he was not going to let Angelus destroy his friendship with Cordelia.

He couldn’t begin to imagine how Cordelia must be feeling after spending the night with his demon, and he could only hope that she would forgive him, as she had done in the past for the actions of Angelus. One of the many remarkable things he had come to learn about his beautiful seer was the way she was able to accept him fully for what he was, a man with a trapped soul who had to live with his demon, and not some kind of monster who wore the face of a man.

Angel had come to the conclusion a long time ago, that his soul was trapped with no respite from allowing him to experience on a daily basis the horrors of his past deeds. He had believed that Buffy would be the one to free his soul from its dark confines and allow him to experience a happiness which if he was totally honest with himself, he knew he didn’t deserve. Alas that was not to be. He had been right on one count though, his beautiful slayer had released his soul, just not in the way he had expected.

Angel quickly showered and dressed and made his way upstairs to his office. As he approached his office door, he heard a groan coming from the other side of the door. He swiftly opened the door to find Wesley half slumped against the office wall. The ex-watchers eyes widened in alarm and he tried to stand up pulling a crucifix from his pocket at the same time and thrusting it out in front of the approaching vampire.

“Back foul demon, or you will fell the full wrath of Wesley Wyndham-Price”.

“It’s okay Wesley, it’s me Angel. Angelus is gone; really, Wes it’s me, here let me help you up”.

“Bloody hell Angel, what have you done with Cordelia, where is she?”. “She’s safe in her apartment Wes, Angelus didn’t harm her”.

“He didn’t, well I must say I’m glad to hear that, although the bastard got me with a good right hook. Wait a minute if Angelus didn’t hurt Cordelia, then what did he want with her, because the last thing I seem to remember is Angelus throwing her over his shoulder and leaving with her”.

“Um, I don’t know Wes”. “What do you mean, you don’t know, you always remember what Angelus gets up to. I mean that’s the reasons you were cursed with a soul in the first place to suffer and remember all of Angelus’ wrong doings”.

“I don’t know why it’s different this time; I guess it must have been the doximal. I didn’t experience true happiness Wes, it was artificially induced happiness ……… that’s why Angelus didn’t hurt Cordelia, and only hit you, instead of killing you ….. yep that’s it Wes, he wasn’t evil enough and well that’s why there’s nothing for me to remember”.

Angel hadn’t intended to lie; it was the first thing that came into his mind. He wasn’t going to allow Wesley to know what had transpired between Angelus and Cordelia. He then realised that this could be the key to saving his friendship with Cordelia. If he couldn’t remember what Angelus had done, then how could she hold it against him? This could work out better than he expected.

The former watcher looked intently at the vampire, he had no reason to doubt that what Angel was telling him was anything but the truth. Why would he lie? If Angel said that nothing happened, then nothing happened.

Wesley decided that he would call in on Cordelia on the way home and tell her that Angel was back with no memory of Angelus’ actions.


Cordelia had showered and dressed all the while going over the recent events. How could she face Angel knowing he would know that she had given herself so freely to Angelus.

She could always reason with him, explain that she was terrified that Angelus would torture her to death if she didn’t go along with his wishes.

Why the hell should I have to justify myself to Angel anyway, he was the one who went all psycho-vamp. He was the one having a good time with that cheap actress, not caring that he was placing his friends in jeopardy by his actions.

Cordelia knew that she was being a bit unfair. She knew Angel would never do anything to hurt her or Wesley; she knew there was no way he could have known he was going to be drugged.

Cordelia Chase never backed down from anything. She was going to go into work today as if it was just another day. She would let Angel’s behaviour towards her direct the way she would deal with this mess.

Her train of thought changed dramatically.

“Wesley, how could I have forgotten about him Dennis” she asked her ever caring ghostly roommate. Just then there was a knock at her door.

“Who is it” she shouted through the door. Her earlier feelings of bravado rapidly diminishing at the thought that it might be the dark vampire knocking at her door.

“It’s me Wesley”. The seer opened the door and flung her arms around the ex watchers neck. “Oh my God Wesley, I’m so glad your okay, but how did you know I was here”. “I saw Angel this morning, the effects of the drug have worn off and there’s something I felt you ought to know”.

“Okay Wes, how does a nice cup of tea sound, because I sure can do with a strong coffee right about now”.

The seer busied herself in the kitchen. “Please God, don’t let him know what happened, I promise to never say anything bad about anyone ever again”.

She finished making the drinks and placed them on a tray with a plate of biscuits, returning to the living room and putting the tray down on the coffee table.

“Okay Wesley, I’m all ears what is it”.

“It’s Angel, he has no recollection of his time spent as Angelus last night”. “What do you mean no recollection, that’s impossible”. “So I thought Cordelia, but he assured me, it was because his state was artificially induced that nothing bad happened to either of us and that’s why he has no memory, because there’s nothing to remember”.

“Let me get this straight Wesley, are you saying that it wasn’t Angelus last night, but Angel”.

“No that’s not what I’m saying”. “But if Angel told you that Angelus wasn’t evil enough then who the hell made an appearance last night, because I’ve never heard of a diluted Angelus before have you”.

The ex watcher had to conclude he was stumped on that one and chagrined that he hadn’t thought of that himself.

“I’m not sure that I understand fully myself Cordelia”.

“Yeah well, as far as I’m concerned there’s only person who does have all the answers and I intend to get to the bottom of this” the irate seer snapped.
Part 5

Angel was sitting in the dark in his basement apartment brooding and thinking dark thoughts. He was more than aware of the havoc that his demon had wreaked during his brief but effective time spent as Angelus.

I can’t believe the fucking bastard told Cordelia he was in love with her. What position does that put me in? What the fuck, when have I ever harboured any secret desires towards my seer. Never would be the answer. Buffy is my one and only true love. Buffy is my soul mate, that she is the one who brought me forth from the darkness.

For someone who is supposed to be all heroic and a champion you are a pathetic idiot who can’t see what’s right under his nose. That simpering whining blonde idiot sent you into the darkness with your precious soul. To be more precise she sent us both to Hell. Christ I hate having to be a part of you and your eternal fucking brooding and suffering.

Shut the hell up Angelus, because you are the one in the dark now. Do you honestly think I’m going to listen to your demented rantings? I’ve learned to live with you inside of me for over 100 years, do you really think I’m going to start listening to you now.

That’s my whole point soul boy, you are me. I am you. We complement each other. Each knows what the other wants. I know that you are more than capable of letting Angelus surface when it suits you. Why do you think that is? Get over it buddy, because one way or the other the seer will be ours. That’s right ours, yours and mine. No matter how much you try to deny it, I know differently, I know who you really want.

You’re not really that much different to me Angel, no matter how much you deny it. How long do you think it’s going to be before the feelings you have for the seer, the feelings you have so conveniently buried deep inside of that pathetic soul of yours, come to the fore and explode in a maelstrom of repressed frustration and rage. Frustration and rage which you would aim directly at the seer, hurting her more than even I would in the process.

You may have the soul but you lack the heart. At least I have the fucking honesty. I know what I want and I’m not afraid to admit it, unlike you. You sad fuck, forever tied to the slayers apron strings.

The dark vampire rose from his seat and punched a hole in the wall in rage at the demon’s never ending tirade. A relentless tirade that was insidiously threatening and driving him to distraction.

Angel knew that he would have to face Cordelia sooner or later. The thought filled him with dread. He just hoped that the lie he had told Wesley would hold up through his seer’s intense interrogation which he knew would be on the cards for him very soon.

Anger then began to invade Angel’s thoughts. Why should I be afraid of facing a petite brunette?

What do they expect of me anyway? That somehow having a soul makes me less of a vampire. If only they knew that every day brings another monumental struggle against the pull of my true nature. They act as if I’m a fucking martyr. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Every day I feel as if I am drowning in a swirling dark vortex of despair, slowly and surely being drawn ever nearer to the black heat at the apex of the vortex that beckons me incessantly with its constant never ending thrum for the taste of fresh warm human blood.

I liken myself to an alcoholic surrounded by a sea of denied liquor, each flavour uniquely different, some sour, some acidic, some sweet. Fuck, fuck, fuck, my Cordelia has the sweetest blood of them all, so excuse me for allowing my demon to sate my bloodlust for my seer by fucking her to Kingdom come.

Why didn’t he just kill Wesley and Cordelia when he had the chance? This has to be another tactic of his, to fuck my seer, imprinting her with his scent. He knows what this will do to me.
Another item to add to his long list of torments for me.

The bastard knows Cordelia is my link to the powers. He knows she is paramount in my fight against evil. That’s it, that’s why he chose to fuck her and not kill her. He wanted me to know that every single time I looked at her. I would know what he had taken and what I could never have.

Whoa back up, just a minute, where did that thought come from. Jesus Christ, I’m weaker than I thought if I’m already allowing Angelus to fuck with my mind so easily. I have never wanted my seer.

Angelus howled in anger at the souls description of his time spent with Cordelia. The demon had made love to Cordelia. He had not merely ‘fucked’ her.


An extremely irate, volatile and confused seer pulled her car up outside the old building that was home toAngel Investigations. She switched off the ignition, removed the key from the starter and leaned her head back against the headrest allowing her mind to go over the recent events.

The seer’s hands were shaking, her palms were sweaty and her breath hitched in her throat as she remembered very touch, every kiss, every nonsensical utterance that emanated from her lips as Angelus weaved his magic on her weary body, bringing to life every fibre of her being. She had never felt so loved or desired ever before and was dumbstruck by the fact that Angelus could be so tender and loving.

The seer pulled herself together and shuddered involuntarily as she braced herself for her first meeting with Angel since Angelus had been let loose.

The first thing Cordelia noticed when she entered the old building was the stale oppressive air that seemed to permeate the building, amazed that she hadn’t noticed it before now.

The building was in darkness. Cordelia was not surprised by this, she had half expected it and she suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to run out of the building, climb back to into her car and drive to the relative safety of her apartment.

Cordelia Chase was no shrinking violet and she knew she would have to face Angel eventually. She decided to take the bull by the horns so to speak and felt she would be better able to call the shots, if she took Angel by surprise, rather than waiting for him to make the first move.

‘Cos let’s face it, that could take for ever’ she grumbled under her breath.

With a false sense of bravado, the beautiful seer stepped into the lift pressed the down button and stumbled forward slightly as the lift jolted to life and began its downward descent to Angel’s inner sanctum.

The lift came to a stop with a shuddering jolt and Cordelia felt her stomach do a double flip as she began to feel decidedly nervous, not knowing which new and patented version of Angel she would find brooding in his room this time.

Cordelia braced herself and stepped out of the lift and into Angel’s inner sanctum where she immediately spied the imposing figure of the vampire who appeared to be deep in thought. If he was aware of her presence he did not register it.

The seer took a few seconds to gather her thoughts and calm herself. While it had seemed like a good idea at the time to confront Angel about his lack of knowledge of Angelus’ actions, it didn’t seem so appealing now.

The vampire had still not responded to her presence and Cordelia’s earlier fears of confronting Angel started to fade, as she began to feel irritated by his lack of response to her presence.

Drawing a deep calming breath she approached the vampire who was sitting in an easy chair, which was situated in a corner of the room facing the lift.

Angel knew that his seer would be paying him a visit. He just hadn’t expected it to be so soon. He decided that he would let Cordelia set the pace. After all if he had no memory of Angelus’ actions, then he had nothing to answer for.

Thus it was that the magnificent broody one remained silent and waited for his seer to speak.

Cordelia had her own agenda and that was to find out what Angel was playing at. He may have been able to fool Wesley with his lame ass story, but she wasn’t buying it, not for one second.

Cordelia decided to turn the tables on the vampire and play him at his own game. She tamped down her rising irritation. If Angel was choosing to have selective memory where Angelus was concerned, then she saw no reason why she couldn’t be as equally dismissive of his demon’s actions. She knew that she couldn’t deny anything had happened between her and Angelus, but she could dent the ego of both man and demon. If Angel thought he could get away with lying then he had another thing coming.

Plastering a concerned look across her face, Cordelia knelt down in front of the vampire.

‘Look at me Angel’ she softly spoke.

‘I understand from Wesley that you have no recollection of anything that Angelus did last night and that’s okay’.

Angel couldn’t believe his ears. This was going to be way easier than he thought. He was off the hook.

He slowly raised his head and looked into his seer’s almond shaped eyes. All he could see was concern reflecting from her hazel gaze.

A feeling of immense relief washed over the vampire. Cordelia wasn’t only his seer, she was his friend and he desperately wanted to keep that friendship. He didn’t want his demon’s actions to ruin their friendship. She treated him with dignity and respect, but that didn’t stop her from standing up to him if she thought he was in the wrong. Angel had to admit that not many people had ever stood up to him if at all, and he respected her for that.

Angel’s face broke out into a genuine heartwarming smile as he continued to look deeply into his seer’s eyes for any trace of anger or disgust. He found none.

Feeling supremely confident, the vampire spoke.

“It is, are you sure, Cordy, because if Angelus did anything to hurt you or cause you distress, I would rather know’.

‘Pfft, Angel, nothing of any great significance occurred between Angelus and myself. I mean we had sex and I know I’m not that experienced Angel, because there was only Wilson before Angelus, but I’m sure it wasn’t meant to make me feel that way’.

Angel’s eyes widened in shock at her response. That was not what he had been expecting and his mouth opened in surprise.

This was not lost on Cordelia.

‘Oh I’m sorry Angel, is this too much information for you, it’s just that as we’re both being honest here, I thought you would want to know that Angelus didn’t do anything to hurt or distress me, so you have nothing to worry about’.

Despite himself Angel had to ask, ‘Make you feel what way Cordelia’

The beautiful seer then leaned forward and lowered her voice conspiratorially.

‘Well that’s just it Angel, I felt absolutely nothing. Leaning back slightly on her heels, the seer looked around the room as if making sure no-one else was present and continued. Of course, I didn’t want to make him angry, cos you know Angelus, so I had to pretend that I was enjoying having sex with him. Yep, it was all one big fat fake. Looks like those acting classes came in handy after all’.

‘You don’t think I could be gay do you? I’ve never felt attracted in that way to woman before though. Nope, it has to be Angelus. He just didn’t do it for me. And eew, do they all look like that, she added as an afterthought and thrown in for good measure’.

To say Angel was speechless was an understatement. Cordelia looked in satisfaction as Angel’s left eye began to twitch and he looked paler than she had ever seen him. Which wasn’t an easy thing for a vampire to do.

Before he could respond the seer continued on.

‘Before my little encounter with Angelus, maybe I would have been open to pursuing a relationship with a vampire, cos in our line of work, let’s face it, how many ‘normal’ people do we meet and well there’s you and Buffy, so I wasn’t totally opposed to the idea. Let me tell you that little fantasy of mine has been put to rest completely and it’s all thanks to Angelus’.

The seer then placed both her hands on the top of Angel’s legs as she levered herself up from her kneeling position.

‘So you see Angel, you have nothing to worry about, in fact you should thank Angelus for me, he has cured me once and for all of any romantic leanings I may have had towards the undead’.

She then snorted as she added ‘Vampire stamina …………… just another myth’.

Angelus’ thoughts are in italics.


With that the seer flashed a brilliant smile at the stunned vampire, and made her way over to the lift. Just before she entered the lift, she turned her head in the vampires direction and flung over her shoulder as nonchalantly as she could ‘Well I’m certainly glad I got that off my chest. Honesty is always the best policy in these situations, don’t you agree Angel’.

Angel sat in stunned silence unable to form a coherent word or thought. Only the slamming of his seer’s car door and the rev of her engine as she drove away jerked him from his stupor.

As the full meaning of Cordelia’s words sunk in Angel didn’t know whether to feel angry or relieved.

On the one hand, Cordelia had believed him when he told her he had no memory of Angelus, which is what he wanted, but then on the other hand she had been entirely dismissive of everything that had transpired between herself and Angelus and there was nothing that he could do about that.

He knew he couldn’t exactly blurt out that he was more than aware of just how much she had enjoyed her time with his demon without giving the game away.

Angel conceded that he was stuck between a rock and a hard place with no way out.

Why don’t you just admit it, you pathetic excuse for a vampire, have some balls for once, tell the seer how you feel about her and we can both finally have some relief.

Shut the fuck up Angelus, you’re a fine one to talk about balls, according to Cordelia you don’t have any, Angel smirked.

Come on soulboy is that the best line you can come up with. Cordelia is right to call you a dumbass. If I don’t have any balls then neither do you. Exactly whose balls do you think our lovely seer was on the receiving end of ………………… Phantom Fucking Dennis’

If I could find a way to silence you permanently then I would do it in a hearbeat. You know something Angelus you really are impotent. I mean lets face it, what could be more useless than a fucking demon gelled to a soul.

As usual you’re missing the whole point here, you’re the one whose impotent, not me. At least I can get some without reverting to soulboy. You on the other hand can’t get any without reverting to me, unless I allow you to.

What are you talking about allow me to.

Haven’t you figured it out yet.

I don’t know what ass your head is up Angelus, but I don’t think of Cordelia in that way, she is my seer, my link to the powers and above all my friend. I’ve told you before Buffy is the only woman for me.

Really, why did you leave her then?

So she could have a normal life.

Of course, because a slayer has a normal life anyway. You’re full of shit, you know that soulboy. You left Buffy because I wouldn’t let you have her. You didn’t lose your soul because you experienced perfect happiness with the slayer. What you felt was my anger and rage coming to the fore. You never lost your fucking soul. I’m not saying the gypsies didn’t curse you. They did, but they didn’t restore you soul. They made a mistake. What they did was divide your personality, so you have your evil side and your good side, constantly battling with each other.

That’s what I meant when I said the slayer sent me to hell with you. I am you. If you’d had your soul restored, I would have been AWOL. I wasn’t. That witch didn’t restore your soul, it wasn’t there to begin with.

You’re a fucking liar, you even call me soulboy, why would you do that if I didn’t have my soul.

Why not, it suited my purposes or rather should I say our purposes.

We both know you’re not quite the celibate long suffering martyr you’d have everyone believe. Jesus Christ, I mean look at me, at us, women have been dropping at our collective feet for centuries now. No celibate is not a word I would use to describe us Angel.

It amused me at first to witness your little dalliance with the slayer, until things got out of hand, and you decided you loved her. Really Angel, I can’t tell you how angry that made me, so I decided to do something about it.

Well the rest as they say is history.

Mark my words Angel if you continue to deny your feelings for the seer and persist with your deluded notions of love towards the slayer, then I will make things very uncomfortable for you. If, on the other hand you agree that I’m telling the truth, then we can both work together and deal with the beautiful seer’s slur on our manhood in the only way fitting.

Take a long hard look at things and I’ll be in touch with you later.

Angel’s immediate reaction was to go out and pummel something into the ground. He decided instead to do a little research of his own with the help of Wesley. To test Angelus’ theory that he didn’t have a soul, he was going to find a shaman to try and take his soul out and then replace it. If there was no soul to remove, then his next visit would be to the oracles, they would have an awful lot of explaining to do.

Cordelia had arrived safely back at her apartment, unaware of the conflict that was raging within the vampire.

After a quick shower, she had changed into some ‘slouching clothes’ and plonked herself down on her sofa with a large glass of wine in her hand. The seer felt quite proud of herself. Even though she wasn’t one to run away from anything and always spoke her mind, she didn’t mind admitting to herself that her meeting with the vampire had taken all of her courage.

She didn’t know what reaction she would have expected from Angel, because she knew without doubt that he wouldn’t be stupid enough to rise to her taunts for fear of giving himself away.

What Cordelia couldn’t understand was why Angel was so insistent on claiming that he couldn’t remember anything. She had thought that she knew Angel as well as if not more than most people. She thought she knew his weaknesses and strengths and began to count them off on her fingers.

“Okay Weaknesses, Buffy = perfect happiness = Angelus. Blondes, skinny ones, fat ones, whiney voiced ones, skanky ones = no taste in woman oh, and lets not forget two bit long past their prime actresses”.

“Mmm, let me think, what other weaknesses does retardo vamp have …………… chowing down on humans, human blood, then there’s the obvious, sunlight, holy water etc, he’s also broody, grunts a lot and is most definitely colour retarded, anal about peanut butter, he’s tight with a buck, obsessive” ………………

“Now what about his strengths. Well there’s his strength obviously. Super hearing, eyesight and speed, the way he catches me when I’m having a vision, not chowing down on humans, not drinking human blood, fighting for his redemption, enforced celibacy ……… ouch ……… that can’t be easy for him, no matter what”.

Cordelia was stumped. For the life of her she couldn’t understand why Angel was lying. Okay it would be embarrassing for both of them to start with, to acknowledge what had happened, but it wasn’t the end of the world, and Angel had to know that Angelus hadn’t harmed or threatened her in any way.

Cordelia really wished that she had someone she could confide in about this, and it made her realize just how alone she really was. She had no real friends and the few people that she had met through her acting classes were fast dwindling since she had inherited the ever painful visions from Doyle and found more and more of her time was taken over by all things Angel.

Deep down inside the seer was genuinely hurt and confused by Angel’s behaviour and that he had denied any recollection of their time spent together. She knew that Angel didn’t have any feelings of the romantic variety for her, but because Angelus’ feelings towards her were so intense, she had hoped that on some subconscious level, these were not only the feelings of Angelus but also Angel.

It made her feel worthless, almost as if she was a bad taste, something that he wanted to spit out and erase from his memory.

But Cordelia couldn’t erase it from her memory.

She remembered everything about Angelus. The way he looked at her, the way he touched her, the way he had repeatedly told her he was in love with her.
She knew he wasn’t lying. She had been captivated by the love emanating from the deep brown eyes of the vampire and aimed directly at her. A shiver involuntarily ran up the seer’s spine as she replayed their lovemaking.

If Cordelia had had any doubts that she was in love with the vampire before, they were all dispelled the moment she gave herself to him.

Cordelia had hoped that by playing down everything that happened, and letting one or two less than flattering remarks escape her lips that Angel would rise to the bait eventually and give the game away.

Now she wasn’t so sure and her old insecurities quickly rose to the surface.

What if she really was so unpalatable to Angel, that he truly wanted to erase everything that had happened between her and Angelus from his memory?

Cordelia continued to rack her brain for further possible motives for Angel’s behaviour.

Her relationship with Angel was fairly tactile. There was the post vision touching and holding, the patching up of ‘war wounds’, pats on the shoulder, subtle brushes of hands etc. This came with the terrority and maybe Angel realizing this, lied to save any future embarrassment.

Maybe Angel was lying as a way of maintaining their friendship. Maybe he was hoping to stop her from feeling embarrassed around him.

Maybe she shouldn’t have reacted the way she did, maybe she should have just kept quiet and played along with him.

Would Angel still want her as his seer after her earlier visit?

Cordelia then began to panic in earnest. “Oh my god, what have I done” she whispered.

Cordelia began to wonder if perhaps she shouldn’t confide in Wesley. After all he was a part of their team and he had been on the receiving end of Angelus’ anger. Then there was his immeasurable knowledge gained during his time as a watcher.

Cordelia groaned inwardly. “God I can be so stupid sometimes, I should have confided in Wesley from the start and not let my stupid pride get in the way, worrying what he would think of me for sleeping with Angelus”.

The seer rose from the sofa, threw her half finished glass of wine into the sink and hastily grabbing her bag and car keys, left her apartment to drive over to Wesley’s.

A/N: Please be aware that this chapter contains swearing. Angelus thoughts in bold italics.


Angel had been pacing backwards and forwards outside Wesley’s apartment door for the best part of 5 minutes. Every time he raised his hand to knock on the door, he had second thoughts and resumed his pacing growing more agitated by the minute.

“What’s the matter Angel, lost your balls again, I knew it was too good to be true”, his inner demon taunted him.

“Well, Angelus, according to you, I am you, so I’m guessing it wouldn’t only be me lacking in the balls department”, Angel replied.

The decision was taken out of Angel’s hands when Wesley opened his door and came face to face with Angel.

“Good Lord Angel, I thought I heard something outside my door. What are you doing here, has Cordelia had a vision?” he asked, noting the startled look on the vampire’s face.

“Hey Wes, the vampire stuttered, can we talk inside, I need your help with something, and no Cordelia hasn’t had a vision”.

“By all means, welcome to my humble abode”, Wesley replied, standing aside to let Angel in.

The vampire stood awkwardly in the middle of Wesley’s room with his hands stuffed inside his trouser pockets.

“Feel free to make yourself at home, I was just in the middle of making a pot of tea, I’ll be back in a minute”.

Angel drew in an unnecessary breath and plastered what he hoped was the beginnings of a smile on his face. “Okay thanks”. Angel noted how sparsely furnished the Englishman’s apartment was. The walls were painted in a neutral beige colour. There was a large chair in one corner of the room that had obviously seen better days, accompanied by an even more battered looking sofa. A large pine table was pushed up against the far wall, littered with various books and pieces of paper. The apartment had a cold unlived in feel to it.

Angel realized with a slight pang of guilt, that he hadn’t really made much of an effort to get to know Wesley. In Sunnydale the ex-watcher had been the proverbial thorn in his side with his pompous air of self-importance and had been of no interest to Angel whatsoever. ‘Times have certainly changed’ the vampire mused. If anyone had told him that his future would lie with an ex-cheerleader and one stuffy ex-watcher, he would have laughed in their face.

Only now the vampire with a soul wasn’t laughing. He knew just how important these two humans were to him. His thoughts then turned to Cordelia. If he was being completely honest with himself, he had been less than thrilled at the prospect of having Cordelia as an employee and he was on the verge of refusing her offer of help, that was until he saw something flash briefly in her eyes – desperation a look and feeling he was all to aware of. Always a sucker for a pretty face, he had capitulated and well the rest as they say is history.

“ Pretty Face, you pathetic excuse for a vampire, admit it you’ve wanted to fuck the cheerleaders brains right out of her head since the first time you laid eyes on her. The thought of pumping in and out of her hot tight cunt has had you howling for release”.

Not for the first time Angel felt a dark shadow slowly starting to claw it’s way up from the pit of his stomach, slowly and insidiously threatening to overtake him and manifest itself through a stream of incessant filth and vitriol pouring forth from his mind and soul.

Angel snarled in frustration and sprang quickly to his feet. “No, you will not win this time Angelus, I’m going to bury you so deeply you won’t even be a whimper”. He began pacing with frustration. Jesus Christ, is this all my fucking life is. Is this why I was brought back from the bowels of hell. Who are the freaking powers anyway? If I’m supposed to be their champion, why am I still tormented like this? Surely it would make more sense for my soul to be permanently secured. Why would they want to run the risk of Angelus emerging? If that happened wouldn’t they lose their champion, wouldn’t that defeat their objective. I’m sick and tired of being a fucking pawn for the powers”.

“That’s right soul boy, Angelus taunted. Who are the fucking powers anyway? What gives them the right to use you for their own gain? I mean lets face it, what do you gain from being their fucking puppet, N O T H I N G. You’re more fucked up now than you ever were. I think it’ time I came out to play don’t you. I know you remember how good it feels to do what you want, when you want, without having a fucking conscience about it. To be all powerful, to know you’re indestructible. Come on Angel. For starters, let’s go pay those powers a visit and rip their fucking throats out”.

“Stop it shut up, the vampire snarled, get out of my head”.

“Stop trying to fight me Angel, can you honestly tell me that this is the life you want to lead. Why make things so complicated. Come on Angel, think of the peace you’ll have once I’m out of your head. Isn’t that a better way to live? You keep saying you want me to shut up. Then let me out to play, you know it’s the only way you’ll get any peace. Let me take over completely once and for all, permanently and you’ll have the peace you so desperately crave”.

The vampire placed his hands over his ears and resumed his pacing backwards and forwards muttering. “Leave me alone, I’m not listening, I won’t listen, not listening, not listening, you’re not real, go away, not listening”.

This was the sight that greeted Wesley as he walked back into his living room.

Wesley brushed aside his fear at the sight of the large vampire muttering incoherently and reminded himself that Angel had sought him out; that he had asked for his help and from the looks of things something was certainly amiss.

Wesley approached Angel, standing directly in front of the distressed vampire, forcing eye contact. “Angel, who are you talking to?”, he queried. Silence. Wesley repeated his question. Again there was no response. Wesley couldn’t help but notice that Angel appeared to be on autopilot. Almost as if he wasn’t aware of his surroundings or actions.

Dear me, Wesley thought to himself, this won’t do at all. Bracing himself the ex-watcher began waving his hands up and down in front of Angel’s face whilst shouting as loudly as he could. “Angel what’s wrong,. Who are you talking to? Angel it’s me Wesley. Don’t you know where you are”?

Angel’s attention was brought back to the present, by the bizarre sight of the normally refined Wesley Wyndham-Price, waving his hands around and shouting.

“What”, the vampire replied.

“Oh thank God”, Wesley sighed. “I asked you who you were talking to. You came to me for help. Don’t you remember”?

“Of course, I do”, the vampire testily replied.

“Look, Angel, I don’t know what’s going on here, but something is obviously distressing you. Why don’t we both sit down and you can tell me what the matter is”.

Angel sat sank down wearily into the old worn chair and Wesley perched himself on the edge of the sofa. Before speaking the vampire rubbed his hands across his face in an effort to compose himself.

“Wesley, you know I have a soul right. When the ex-watcher merely listened without responding the vampire repeated himself more forcibly. “You know I have a soul right”.

“Well of course I know you have a soul Angel, you haven’t forgotten I work for you and let’s not forget my time spent in training as a Watcher. You’re not exactly unknown to the Watchers Council, something of a legend in fact”, he responded wondering why Angel was asking him such a stupid question.

“You also know that I can lose my soul and when that happens Angelus emerges, right Wesley”.

“Yes Angel”. Wesley replied.

“Good, because then you also know that my soul was restored by Gypsies as a punishment. Right Wesley”.

“Yes Angel” Wesley again replied, wondering what all this was leading to.

The Vampire suddenly sprang up startling Wesley somewhat. He resumed his earlier pacing.

Just as Wesley was going to say something, Angel stood directly in front of him. Folding his arms across his chest, he stood still, looking down at Wesley.

The ex-watcher began to feel uncomfortable. He nervously removed his glasses and began to wipe them, in order to try and calm himself. Feeling at a disadvantage he swiftly stood up. Wesley had decided upon leaving Sunnydale, that he would try and change his image somewhat. He was aware that people had a ‘certain’ view of him, that they expected him to act in a certain way and he was determined to change that.

He had spent most of his life conforming to what others expected, something that had been instilled into him from childhood. His Father was a cold man, not given to displays of affection and Wesley had been terrified of him. He had learned at a young age that if he did not bend to his Father’s wishes, he would be punished. This unfortunately was something that had stayed with him throughout his adult life. One side effect of this was his extraordinary reaction to anyone being ‘nice’ to him. Cordelia called it ‘sucking up’ but really it was purely and simply gratitude and Wesley was more than grateful that Angel had offered him a job. He was all too aware of the way he had behaved in Sunnydale especially in relation to Faith and knew that Angel had no obligation to him.

Mind made up, Wesley decided that it was high time he stopped acting like such a wuss. After all was he not a rogue demon hunter. Had he not faced evils that most people were unaware even existed. Angel was not just his employer, he was also his friend and he would do his utmost to help him whatever the problem.

Wesley’s eyes widened in surprise as the vampire sat back down as quickly as he had risen. Wesley followed suit and waited patiently for Angel to carry on.

“What if I never had my soul restored by the gypsies Wesley. What if they made a mistake and instead of restoring my soul they merely fractured my persona, resulting in two distinct parts of me. One good and one irrevocably evil. Don’t you see Wesley, I don’t remember what Angelus did because I have a soul, I remember because I am Angelus, it was Angelus who was cursed, cursed with a good side”.

Wesley liked to believe he had an open mind, in his line of work it was essential. However, this was most certainly not what he had been expecting to hear, and he wondered if it had something to do with the Rebecca Lowell incident.

“What makes you believe this Angel”.

“Angelus. He told me that I never had my soul restored. He told me that I didn’t lose my soul through experiencing perfect happiness. He told me that sleeping with Buffy had nothing to do with me losing my soul. It was Angelus emerging because he was more than pissed off that I had fallen in love with the slayer. He said I am him and he is me, we are two sides of the same coin”.

Angel then proceeded to tell Wesley everything that Angelus had told him.

Wesley listened carefully. He had to admit after digesting everything that it wasn’t beyond the realms of possibility but he felt it was highly unlikely and anyway there could be no way of knowing for sure ……. could there?”

“So you see Wesley, the only way to be sure is to try and remove my soul, and then replace it. If there’s no soul to remove, then a visit to the powers will be on the list, because this changes everything and a lot of questions will need to be answered”.

“Lets not make any rash decisions here Angel. Have you thought of the possibility that you might be playing straight into Angelus’ hands. Removing your soul would be his ultimate goal”.

“Don’t you think I know that Wesley. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have to live with Angelus inside of me, to be unable to completely relax and let go. To always hold myself back. To never allow myself to get too happy, and I’m not talking about sex here Wesley. I’m talking about the happiness I feel when we defeat another evil, the happiness I feel when I think of how far I’ve come, since Sunnydale. The happiness and contentment I feel working with you and Cordelia. You’re the family I never had”.

“I’m sick and fucking tired of living in the shadow of Angelus. I need to know once and for all. If he’s lying and I do have a soul, then I want it bound permanently when it’s returned”.

“Does Cordelia know about this Angel?”

“No and I don’t want her to …… not yet”.

“We really need to let Cordelia know. Angelus did disappear with her for several hours, I’m curious to know what happened between them”.

“I can’t help you there Wesley, afraid I can’t remember” Angel lied.

Just then there was a knock on Wesley’s door.

Wesley opened his door to find Cordelia standing on the other side.

“Hi Wesley” she said, “Can I come in; I need to speak to you. It’s really important it’s about Angelus”.

“Yes come in Cordelia”.

This should be most interesting Wesley mused.

Cordelia gasped with shock at seeing the vampire sitting as bold as day in Wesley’s living room.

Wesley closed his front door and followed Cordelia into the living room.

Taking the bull by the horns, Wesley waded straight in.

“Actually, we were jut talking about you Cordelia. Angel has something to tell you. Don’t you Angel?

Cordelia turned to look at the vampire and raised an eyebrow. “Really”.

“Yes, but it’s nothing important, it can wait. You go first Cordelia”.

Come on Cordelia, spit it out. You know you can do this. After all you’ve done nothing wrong, she internally mused. Pep talk over she waded right in.

“Okay I will. Wesley it’s about Angelus. I slept with him. I’m sorry for not telling you sooner, I was worried about what you would think of me. I’m not cheap Wesley and I don’t sleep around, regardless of my Sunnydale reputation”.

Wesley wasn’t entirely shocked by this revelation, he didn’t know why, but it had been at the back of his mind all along. Even so hearing it straight from the horses mouth threw him a bit, but Cordelia was his friend and who was he to judge her.

“Cordelia, the thought would never cross my mind. Of course you’re not cheap. Please don’t blame yourself, it’s perfectly understandable faced with Angelus. What did the bastard do, threaten you”.

“Oh God Wesley, it was so awful” she responded, glancing at Angel to see his reaction. Not a flicker of emotion showed on his face. This was like waving a red flag in front of a bull as far as the seer was concerned and all her earlier good intentions flew out the window.

Staring directly at the vampire she continued.

“Angel, are you sure you’re okay with me telling Wesley in front of you. I mean I could wait and speak to Wesley when I’m alone with him. I don’t want to cause you any unnecessary distress, I know you don’t remember any of this, but hey as I said earlier, no biggy, it’s something I’d sooner forget anyway”,

Angel couldn’t help himself and before he knew it the words came spilling out of his mouth.

“No biggy Cordelia, really, that’s an interesting choice of words. It’s a good job I know it means no worries, because we both know that Angelus couldn’t be described as no biggy don’t we” he silkily drawled.

“Really Angel was that necessary” Wesley snapped.

“Wesley’s right Cordelia, I don’t know what came over me, I’m sorry”, Angel said with what he hoped was a contrite look on his face. “Please continue”. There was no way he was going to miss this,

Cordelia smiled sweetly at the vampire before continuing. “Wesley, can I be frank here, I don’t get it. When I say it was awful, it’s not because he hurt or threatened me, it’s because well, Oh God, I’m not sure if I can tell you this, it’s kinda embarrassing”.

“Cordelia, were not only co-workers, we are also friends, please don’t be embarrassed, we are all in this together and I only have your best interests at heart. In fact we both do, Angel included. Isn’t that right Angel?”

“Wesley’s right Cordelia”, the vampire replied.

“Whatever you feel able to tell us, will remain in this room and may help us in dealing with Angelus should the need arise again in the future. To my knowledge no-one has survived an encounter with Angelus Cordelia, I believe that puts you in a unique position. Angelus obviously has plans for you and we will need all the information you can tell us to try and circumvent those plans”.

“Okay Wesley if you’re sure”.

The seer plastered a confused look on her face before speaking hesitatingly. “Wesley, I hadn’t been with anyone before Angelus, he was the first and Oh God, here goes, Wesley I didn’t feel a thing, is that right, and well it looked so ……… she shivered involuntarily for good measure, um, maybe I should whisper this. The seer placed her lips next to Wesley’s ear, well it was so gross and misshapen, or is that the way they all look?” “Also can I say small much”.

The seer glanced over at Angel to see his reaction; she knew full well that with his advanced hearing he had heard everything.

She noted with satisfaction, that his eye was once again twitching and his face looked kinda red, which for a vampire was a first.

“Also I know I’m not experienced and all that, but I think Angelus is kinda gay”.

“So you see guys, when I say no biggie, I mean that Angelus didn’t hurt me in the slightest. If it wasn’t for the physical evidence, I would have been none the wiser to what had occurred, because I felt nothing and it meant nothing. In fact, I could have been filing my nails for all the impact it had on me”.

Angelus’ and Angels inner conflicts in bold italics.



Angel had the distinct impression that he was either trapped in a really bad nightmare or that Cordelia had gone totally insane and either way he was majorly pissed.

There were many things that Angel had put up with over the years but a slur on his manhood was most definitely not one of them.

“Wesley, whats wrong with Angel, has he had a bad supply of blood or something because he’s turning a really weird shade of grey ?” Cordelia whispered with all the innocence she could muster.

Wesley’s brain was still trying to come to terms with Cordelia’s vivid description of Angelus, it was most certainly not what he had been expecting to hear. Removing his glasses Wesley began polishing them as he tried to compose himself.

“Wesley are you okay, please speak to me, Cordelia continued. I shouldn’t have told you, I’m sorry, I should leave now, I don’t know what I’m doing here ”

“Good Lord Cordelia, I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through since this dreadful incident. From the description you’ve given me, I can most definitely tell you that most men are not …” Wesley was cut off by a low reverberating rumble emanating from the direction of Angel.

B I N G O Cordelia thought wickedly. Lets see how Angel deals with this.

Angel was seething with rage as he replayed Cordelia’s words.

Gross, misshapen, kinda gay, that seer of mine needs to be taught a definite lesson. She’s lying through her pretty little mouth. Perhaps I should have another round with her in front of Wesley that will make her eat those words and prove this vampire ain’t gay and misshapen. In fact he was in two minds as to whether or not he should just drop his trousers and show that he was most definitely all there in the luggage department.

About fucking time you wanker, act like the vampire you are, oh no wait a minute, whats wrong with this scenario, oh yeah, that’s it, you’re not me, so tell me again, why are you so concerned over what luscious lips over there thinks.

I might not be you Angelus, but we inhabit the same body, and we both know we have nothing to be ashamed of.

True, but again, why do you care so much. Why do you need to prove anything to Cordelia, could it be that you just want to be buried to the hilt inside that lovely hot body again.

Cordelia’s my seer and friend, I don’t think of her in that way Angelus and you know that. Of course, I would never do that to her, it’s just a natural reaction to hearing her talk like that about me.

How much longer are you going to live in this bubble of denial, we are going around in fucking circles here, not wanting to sound like a parrot, but again I repeat why do you care, I’ll tell you, because you are me and you want what I want and we both know what that is.

Talk all you want Angelus, because I’m going to get my soul removed and then put back permanently with no strings attached. I’ll bury you so deep, you wont even be a whimper anymore you’ll be gone, out of my head forever. Dont go getting any ideas; this will be a carefully controlled exercise, with no margin of error allowed for.

Waste of time, you don’t have a fucking soul, but if thats what it takes to prove it to you, be my guest. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner we can get back to our lovely seer and teach her what it means to take a vampires name in vain, Angelus lazily drawled

Wesley and Cordelia both looked at the vampire who had stopped growling and had risen to his feet and was pacing in circles muttering to himself.

Unable to contain himself any longer, and especially after hearing Wesley commiserating with Cordelia on her awful ordeal, Angel snapped.

Walking directly over to Cordelia, he dropped his trousers and with a smirk that was awfully reminiscent of Angelus, told Cordelia to take a good long look because there was no way his penis was gross or misshapen and Wesley could testify to that, because they were all adults and what was a penis between friends.

Cordelia’s eyes widened in shock and Wesley spluttered.

Time seemed to stand still, as all the air appeared to have been sucked out of the room.

Cordelia knew she had act fast otherwise she was going to look like the loser in this particular scenario and there was no way she was going to let Angel get the upper hand.

Cordelia, very deliberately and carefully took a good look at the vampire before slowly raising her eyes to meet Angel’s smug and slightly deranged glare.

Without flinching she spoke directly to him. “Angel, please put it away, it was bad enough having to cope with Angelus without you getting in on the act too, oh my poor eyes, now I know I’m definitely scarred for life.”

Angel couldn’t believe his ears, what the fuck was she playing at. He wasn’t misshapen was he?

“Wesley look at my penis tell me what you think.”

“See Wesley, what did I tell you?” the seer retorted to the speechless ex- watcher. “Kinda gay as well.”

After the initial shock had worn off, Wesley decided to put his watcher training to good use.

“Angel, kindly put your trousers back on, Cordelia’s right, you must have had a bad batch of blood, that’s the only explanation for your bizarre behaviour, that or the happy pill has had some lingering side effects.”

“Cordelia, please refrain from calling Angel gay, or referring to his ahem his parts that are below his waist in a derogatery manner. I understand that you are still in shock from the previous events, but you are only inflaming an already volatile situation.”

“Wesley, Cordelia, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what came over me. You’re right Wesley, it must be some kinda residual effect of the happy pill. Angel replied in a suitably repentful manner.

An undignified snort emanated from Cordelia’s mouth, which she tried to mask by coughing. “Sorry guys, something in my throat”, she responded somewhat sheepishly when she caught Wesley glaring at her.

“Yeah there’ll be something in your throat all fucking right and you’ve just been given a preview of it.” Angel snapped at his seer.

Cordelia squealed in surprise and hid behind Wesley for protection.

“For Gods sake Angel, was that necessary, please try and control yourself. I am aware that this isn’t how you would normally behave but I must insist that you try and exercise even a smidgen of self-control. We have all been through a lot just recently, not only that but you are frightening Cordelia.”

Fear makes the blood taste sweeter and I intend to taste some of the sweet nectar preferably when she’s lying naked under me.

Way to go soul boy now we’re on the same wavelength. Pick the seer up, throw her over your shoulder and bring her back to our lair.

Wesley noticed with some trepidation the lustful glazed look that washed over Angel’s features.

To try and diffuse the situation Wesley asked Cordelia, if she would be so kind as to make a pot of tea. He wanted a moment alone with Angel.

Cordelia knew that it would probably be a good idea if she gave herself some breathing space from Angel and busied herself in the kitchen.





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