My Last Breath

SUMMARY: She will savour every part of her last breath with him.
POSTED: 8 Jan 2007
CONTENT/PAIRING: C/A – Episode: You’re Welcome

I can feel it; it’s coming to me faster than a speeding bullet.

I’m terrified, but happy.

The feel of death will be a sweet release from the unending pain that I feel every day, the throbbing and the unrelenting screeching that makes me feel like my head has been blown off. It will be nice to have some peace.

But him, my Angel. I will never see you again. I’ll never know the feel of your intimate touch or the way your lips caress mine. I can never tell you that I love you with every fibre of my being and that I will miss you more than life itself.

How can I leave you? Is it possible? Will the choice be mine or will they just take me? They’ll have to. I can’t leave you on my own. I love him and need him too much and the thought of an eternity without him scares me more than anything I’ve ever faced.

As I explain what is happening you fail to understand and the crack in your voice tells me that you’re just as scared as I am. Don’t be, because I’ll always be watching over you, guiding you with my love.

It was good seeing you again and helping you get back o track has been the greatest moment of my life.

“I just wish I could be there to see it.”

You don’t understand me, do you? You though this was it. You and me, together at last, never to be broken up again. I’m sorry I couldn’t do that for you.

I know that someone will do that for you one day. You deserve happiness Angel and I know that you will get it eventually.

I wish more than anything that it could be me that gives you happiness but I can’t. My job was never to bring light to your life, just to light your path.

I hope I’ve done that well and I hope you’ll always remember me for the things I did for you.

But I also hope you’ll remember me intimately, the side of me that no one else knows, the secrets that I keep. They’re yours now. Keep them with always and you’ll keep me with you always.

You’re standing now.

You don’t understand and I can see the tears in your eyes begging me to stay and never leave.

“I can’t stay.”

I wish I could but I can’t.

Again you plead with me but it is no use. What is happening to me is no longer in my control. Please just let me go.

“Don’t make this hard, Angel.”

Again you stutter, your stubbornness and need to understand coming through. Why don’t you just say it, Angel? Tell me that you love me. Don’t hide it any longer.

You won’t though, will you? You and I aren’t supposed to have that and you’ll stick to that. I do know though. I’ve always known, from the moment you stared at me lovingly me at work to this very point.

Our love is a love that doesn’t need words, does it? They’d be nice though.

“We take what we can get champ and we do our best with it. I’ll be seeing you.”

I took what I could get and I’ve done everything I can for you, Angel.

And now, with a touch of my hand and one more smile I’ll leave you here, forever, never again to see your face.

But no, I can’t do it. My life has been building to this moment and along that journey my love for you has grown and I won’t leave it unsaid. The words are too hard, but a kiss is just enough. I’ll tell you everything you need to hear with a kiss.

“What the hell, one for the road?”

The feel of your lips is wonderful and I wish that I could stay in your arms like this. But I can’t. Just hold on to me. You know I can’t stay long. I want to say I love you and that I’m not afraid but I can’t, so I’ll let you feel it in my touch.

I know you can hear me, the cry of my soul. You can feel it. I can taste it in your tears.

I know you, Angel. Tonight, you’ll close your eyes and hope for me to be there but you’ll open them and see no one’s there. You’re alone, again. You’ll cry for me and my death will linger with you forever. Your mourning will never end as mine won’t for you, but life goes on and you need to move on.

So take this gift my love and use it to fight and prove everyday that you love me just half as much as I love you. I know you, Angel and I know you’ll use this gift better than I ever could.

Now though is not the time for trivial thoughts of the future because right now it is just you, me and this kiss that will stay with us forever.

Say goodnight, baby. Don’t be afraid anymore. Just remember that I love you more than life itself and no matter what happens, you’ll always be a part of me. Never forget that.

Now is the time though. I can feel the pull of the heavenly dimensions and already the peace and bliss that comes with it. But not yet.

The Powers That Be want me, but they won’t take me yet. I want to savour this moment with you.

So I’ll stand here, my lips meeting yours and for a moment it will just be you and me, together, the way it was supposed to be. I’ll do this as I stand here, holding my last breath.

…The End…

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