He Said, She Said


HE SAID, SHE SAID
AUTHOR: BUBBLE (Fics Posted by Scorch on Bubble’s Behalf)
SUMMARY: Cordy at her limit + Angelus defending himself = yelling and arguing.
RATING: R
POSTED: 6 Aug 2003
CATEGORY: HUMOR
CONTENT/PAIRING: C/AUS
WARNINGS: Suggestive Comments
FICPIC CREDIT: N/A
AUTHOR NOTES: (Fic posted by Scorch on Bubble’s behalf)


“Looks like somebody forgot to pay the power bill” Cordelia, Wesley and Rebecca heard the vampire taunt from the shadows, “Cordelia” the vampire said.

After her whole high school experience and the visions, Cordelia was rapidly reaching her limit on how much she could take before blowing a gasket. “I’m guessin’ the phone’s out too, what do y’all think?” he asked in mock sympathy.

‘If he so much as says his name is Angelus, I will scream very loudly. I hate my life’ Cordelia thought as her patience started to crack. If Angel thought he could just shack up with some desperate-Drusilla-wannabe and get away with it, he was so wrong. As for Angelus, well he could kiss her ass too.

“Angel, what you’re experiencing is an illusion. If you don’t listen to reason, I’ll be forced too…” Wesley began with as much courage as he could gather.

“Name’s Angelus” Angelus growled as he stepped slowly out of the shadows, looking very dangerous.

Cordelia saw little bright sparks of red clouding her vision as her control snapped like a bow string and she lost it completely. The seer moved so quickly neither Wesley nor the temporarily soulless vampire could stop her. She yanked on Angelus’ ear hard and screamed, “AAARRRGGGHHH!” at the top of her lungs.

Angelus stumbled back, his sensitive ears ringing with the sound of the high-pitched scream Cordelia had just bellowed directly into his right ear drum. “What the hell?” he growled as he held the right side of his face, normally he liked girls screaming but that was awful!

“Shut up. Just. Shut. Up” Cordelia growled right back as she began to pace, hands gripping her hair and her eyes wide showing the last thread of temper snapping.

Angelus, still holding his ear, watched as she frantically paced back and forth in front him, “You’re crazy” he hissed at her, his yellow eyes gleaming with hatred at her.

That stopped her frantic pacing, “I’m crazy?” she hissed as she slowly turned to face him, “I’m crazy? You say one more word and I ‘ll show you crazy” At the look in her eyes, the vampire took an involuntary step back. Yes, he was an evil vampire but he had never seen so much venom or warning in anybody’s eyes before. At that moment, Cordelia could rival him at his most dangerous.

“Ok ok” Cordelia started talking, “This is what my life is like. I nearly get staked through the heart by crazy Buffy Summers. I meet you because of crazy Buffy Summers. I dated a loser who hung around with crazy Buffy Summers. I get locked in a closet with Willow ‘The Witch’ Rosenburg because your good pal Spike wanted to kill crazy Buffy Summers!” Cordelia paused and poked Angelus in his chest for good measure, making him step back a little more.

“Oh wait, there’s more!” Cordelia stated in mock amusement, “I come to L.A and end up with skull bashing migraines you affectionately call visions. Do I ever get a ‘thank you Cordy?’ Noooooo!” she exclaimed.

“All I get is ‘What do you see?’ or a questioning glare or you yell at me when I don’t know what it is I’m seeing! Then, after you’ve yelled at me, you swish off in your big, swishy coat and go fight the evil! Now here you are, thanks to Drusilla wannabe here,” she jutted her head in the cowering actress’s direction. “Trying to eat me, I am not Kentucky Fried Cordelia!” She stood there with her hands on her hips, staring at him defiantly.

“I-I-I” Angelus was totally taken aback by her outburst, wasn’t she supposed to be begging for her life right about now? She wasn’t supposed to stand there yelling at him like that. Who did she think she was? Yeah, so he hated his soul but since he was a part of it, Angelus felt a great need to defend himself.

“I do take care of you. I catch you before you fall, I put bottled water in the freezer and take it out the next day so you have extra ice-cold water” he yelled at her.

“Perfect for giving me brain freeze!” Cordelia shot back with an indignant glare.

“How am I supposed to know that? Last time I checked, vampires didn’t come equipped with ESP!” Angelus retorted hotly.

“Oh gee I don’t know! Maybe by the pained look on my face or the cha-cha that the vein on my temple does! Las time I checked, vampires could sense when a person is in pain” Cordelia pointed out with raised eyebrows.

Wesley sat down, placed an elbow on his knee and cupped his chin in the palm of his hand as he prepared to wade out the argument. There were few things in life you could guarantee on, but those two arguing? Definitely one of them! The ex-watcher then spied the camcorder Cordelia had been using earlier on her desk, he reached for it and began recording.

“I pay your salary” Angelus told her hotly.

“I do your shopping” Cordelia retorted just as hotly.

“I drive you home”

“I wash your car”

“I make sure there’s no one skulking around your apartment”

“I clean your apartment”

Before she could say another word, Angelus began to speak, “I do lots of other things for you too,”

“Oh please, tell me” Cordelia flung her arms in an invitation for him to divulge what those things were.

“Ok for starters, I tell you when you look nice, I give you advice when you ask for it, I defend you to other men, and demons for that matter, when they do more than compliment your assets. I don’t openly stare at your breasts when you wear tight, little tops” Angelus gave her yellow tank top a pointed look.

“Speaking of those” he waved his hands to her breasts, “You need to put them away or get rid of them. I don’t complain when you put your underwear in with my laundry and I don’t make blatant comments when you bend over too far!”

Angelus was the one pacing back and forth now, pausing every so often to jab his finger in Cordelia’s direction.

Cordelia stared in open-mouthed shock and raised a hand to her chest protectively. “You don’t have any reason to complain, buster” she yelled back. “I do your laundry and have to put up with the fact that you don’t wear underwear. I heat your blood, I make your coffee and I buy you the jelly doughnuts with the flour on the top instead of the sugar. I buy the furniture polish in Pine because Lavender makes you nauseous and I buy you the extra-softening fabric softener because you like your clothes to be fluffy and soft” vampire and seer stood in a face off.

Angelus began his next round of defence, “I buy you clothes, I give you gift certificates for manicures, I help you learn your lines for auditions. I helped paint you apartment even though the smell of that damned paint drove me nuts for weeks, not days, weeks after. I never complained when you put scented candles in the office for Christmas” he finished with a triumphant HA!

“I make sure your socks match” Cordelia began, “I fold your clothes, I bought you boxer shorts to make a point which sailed right over your head. When you wore those shorts the other day, I didn’t point out certain things that kept appearing!”. I buy you bed sheets, silk just the way you like, I buy you your special hair gel and I bought you a camcorder just so you could see yourself” Cordelia finished her tirade by sticking her tongue out at Angelus.

Wesley’s fear had long gone and now he just sat with the camcorder in their direction watching the comments fly back and forth. He made it a point to send a copy to Sunnydale, positive they would love this.

“I do sensitive things for you too” Angelus yelled in extreme annoyance.

“You? Sensitive? If I had a weener, I would say pull it!” Cordelia snorted in disbelief.

“Since you asked so nicely, I’ll tell you” Angelus placed one hand on his hip while pointing a finger at her. “I have a whole underwear drawer in my apartment just for you”

“Ooh, Cordy has girl parts, ooh!” Cordelia pulled a mock horror face at him.

“After the poltergeist issue, I had a spare bed delivered which you already know I might add. I got you spare clothes, designer spare clothes at that. I have a whole bunch of stuff if you need a place to stay again, like shampoo. I bought you the expensive shampoo you like because I know how you like your hair to smell and look fresh and clean. When you moved in for while, I stroked your fresh and clean hair until you stopped having your nightmare” Angelus looked smug. “And I have keep spare things in my bathroom”

“Things?”

“Yes” he waved his arms around his hips like a crazy man, ” Womanly things” more arm waving. “That’s another thing I don’t mention” he nodded in satisfaction. “I don’t tell how I know when your cycle starts. I just keep it to myself and buy you things” more pointed hand waving!

“I actually go into a pharmacist and get you Tampax at least two days before you menstruate and I never tell you how much you smell at” Angelus air quoted, “That time of the month. That’s sensitive of me, don’tcha think?”

“AURGH” Cordelia couldn’t believe he said that, “I do not smell!” she cried in horror.

“Blood? Hello vampire here!” Angelus retorted smugly as he crossed his arms like he’d won the argument.

“Ok fine, I smell!” Cordelia bit before starting on her side of things again. “I defended you to creepy-cop-lady when she came by to specifically insult you. I always make sure my place is vampire friendly, I close the office blinds and I painted the office blinds so it has a sun. sea and sand on them for you. For the record, I don’t tell anybody when I find women’s nude magazines lying around with accompanying hand cream and lubrication” Cordelia smugly smirked at him.

Angelus felt his jaw drop, he was sure she never knew! “I never read your diary when you moved in with me. And it was left open at a specific page” he eyed Cordelia when her own jaw dropped.

“I thought you said you never read it”

“I had to close it to make sure Doyle never saw it and got his feelings hurt”

Wesley was now banging his head off Cordelia’s desk, Rebecca had managed to slip past the arguing couple and left the office. They had been going at it for two hours now; with any luck the drug should be wearing off soon maybe they would shut up. This was torture, absolute torture.

Angelus began his next round, “I put up with your nagging”

“I do not nag!”

“Oh no?”

“NO!”

He mimicked Cordelia’s voice, “Mix up the black-on-black Angel. Try not to mess up my filing Angel. Don’t be so menacing Angel. You have to get over your penchant for blondes Angel. You need to get a hobby Angel!”

Cordelia began her own impression, “You nag me, too. You need to be more careful Cordy. You need to wear more clothes Cordy. Try to be more gentle when patching up my gaping chest wound Cordy. Can you not make the coffee so strong Cordy. Try to be more tactful Cordy”

“You do need to be more careful, you can’t just jump into a fight to save me” Angelus told her. “Your coffee could melt my oesophagus and some of your clothes make me blush. And I don’t have a blood flow!”

“If you don’t like my coffee, you could always make it yourself and I can’t help it if my clothes look good! I wouldn’t have to patch you if you didn’t go all lone ranger” Cordelia retaliated.

“It’s not my fault I get hurt, I have to fight your visions but you don’t have to fight because it’s my job to protect you”

“Oh, I get it. Mr-I’m the-alpha-male, the men folk need to protect the women folk. Could you be anymore chauvinistic?” Cordelia yelled.

Wesley got up, sent a rude hand gesture to them and left the pair to their arguing while he went for a good, stiff drink.

Cordelia paused mid-sentence as a horrifying realization dawned on her, “Oh My God” she clutched her head.

“Vision!” Angelus yelled as he went to catch her, having totally forgotten about his plan to torture and turn her. The vampire was so into the role of defending himself, he had reacted on instinct to catch her!

“No you grade A idiot” Cordelia shoved him away, “We’re acting like a married couple” she yelled in disgust.

Angelus visibly paled as he realized she was right, “Oh God…” then he took in her disgust and was highly offended. “Are you saying being married to me would be awful?” he asked.

Cordelia gave him a look, “What are you on?”

“Doximol, as it happens!” Angelus replied, after all the things he does for her, how could she think being married to him would be awful? He’d show her how awful being married to him could be!!!

***

One week later in Sunnydale

Buffy, Xander, Willow, Anya and Spike were watching the copy of the taped argument Wesley had sent them. All sat with their mouths open as they watched and listened to the comments fly back and forth between Cordelia and Angelus. Their shock became even more apparent when Angelus lifted Cordelia and her legs lock tightly round his waist as they kissed passionately. Spike and Anya smirked when the humans’ in the room began to go deep red when the video took on a very pornographic twist!


…THE END…


 

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