More Than Existing

SUMMARY: Cordelia feels disconnected, her link to humanity slipping away. Post S4
POSTED: 21 Nov 2003
WARNINGS: None listed.
FICPIC CREDIT: Link is no longer working.
AUTHOR NOTES: Okay this story is my version of after season 4 closure. After countless different started versions of S5 Cordy waking up, this is the one I settled on. Be warned it is sometimes extremely fluffy… little bit of Angst though.

Chapter 1: A crimson stain

Deep. Deliberate. No more pain, no more. It was a mantra of sorts; it almost comforted the shaken woman, almost made the choice more bearable. She could feel the jagged edge of glass pressing against her wrist. Almost with a life of its own waiting to open the thin layer of skin that had long protected the blood rushing beneath it. Not anymore.

Tears welled in her eyes, which she brushed away with callous fingers, nearly causing her to wince. She held it back.You deserve pain, why the hell do you think they brought you back, so you could finish the job.

Her hands still shook though, the gravity of her decision never far from her thoughts. Neither was those nights. Never ending nights wrapped in the arms of a pubescent boy. A boy, not a man. No matter how deadly, he was so broken, desperate for an anchor. He had trusted her with his heart and Jasmine had torn it out and watched him bleed.

Cordelia let herself cry then, just a few tears allowed to victoriously slide along the softness of her olive cheeks. The glass made her fingers bleed, but she only held tighter.The Cordelia I used to know would fight, what are you? Who are you? Not that woman, not the one who put the slayer in her place. Reminded that little bitch of whom she was. What happened to you?

Swallowing more tears she struggled to stand, the immense pressure of her thoughts weighing against her shoulders. Then she saw something, it made her blood run cold, it was herself. A tragically pale girl, sallow skin and cheekbones jutting out from mal-nourishment, was this really Cordelia Chase?

Pick up the glass Cordy end the pity party and finish what Jasmine started finish it!

“Stop it” Grabbing her head in pain, she threw her fists into her own reflection. The mirror shards embedding into her palms did not earn any notice. No pain when you are numb.

Glancing downwards, she gripped another shard holding it up to the light. The edge glinted malevolently she did not care. No more pain, no more.

That’s it Cordy finish it, do it!
“How long has she been awake?” He inquired viciously throwing the infirmary door open. The secretary swallowed, for a fellow vampire she had become surprisingly quiet.
“Well I just got news from Margerie in accounting, who found out from Brent in managing who….” The glare silenced her.
“I dunno, Angel” As she scampered off into the shadows Harmony realized his attention was focused elsewhere. Then she noticed why. The familiar scent of blood wafted through the air, a powerful stench that she found deliciously tempting, if it were not for the hint of familiarity in it.
“Cordelia” Harmony found her voice, sounding very much unlike the vapid valley girl she had perfected. Angel was already tearing through the starch white hallway, following the smell.

That’s when he found her, a one-time source for all the beautiful things in his life. Those smiles could brighten even the gloomiest of days; it made his redemption less tiring, made him not want to quit.

Cordelia struggled to keep he eyes open, feeling very much like a rag doll whisked from the floor and onto his lap. Limbs unable to move on their accord.It will not be long, you’ll be done, no more thoughts, just nothing.

Angel struggled to hold both her wrists, to stop the flow of blood. At one time it would have been easy to give in to temptation, she obviously wanted to die why not help her along? Only now, the site of blood made bile rise in the back of his throat.

“God, Cordy, what the hell of have you done?”

“Given up” Her eyelids wanted to droop shut again but she forced them open. The eyes staring back at her were worried and tearful, nothing resembling the hate he had looked upon her with months earlier.

“Cordy you said you would be here with me until I shanshued, do not give up now, don’t give up on me” Angel’s voice was strong, as demanding as ever, but faded into nothingness within her mind.

“Too much hatred, Connor… so young” The blood stained the starch white of his shirt, the paleness of his hands but most of all the depths of his soul. The heartbeat he had long to hear began to slow, panic set in and he instantly drew her close.

“Cordy, do not die on me now” His whispers made her smile deliriously.
“I’m already dead, inside” Her eyes closed and the seconds stretched on, long and unbearable as every day had been without her. He smelt her hair, roses and cinnamon. Youth and vitality. His girl.
Chap2:Hot and Cold

She could not remember the city being so bright and colorful at night. Her dull eyes swept over the vast stretch of skyscrapers, light pouring from each one. Bright enough to force her eyes shut. The room lay in embracing darkness beautiful and peaceful in her opinion. She tugged at the white bandage, around her wrist absently wondering why. Why had he helped her? Why had he forced them to work so long and hard on a lost cause?

“Can I come in?” The vampire leaned against the doorjamb and she did not need to turn to see the worry in his eyes. she could feel it. She always felt it.

“Your place not mine” Shrugging carelessly, she attempted to be enthralled by the city again. It was no use her love for it was gone, just a shallow place, and im just a shallow girl.


“Angel” She turned her hollow gaze, sizing him up slowly before she let out an irritated sigh.
“Not now” He didn’t move though when she turned back to the skyline, not after all this time apart would he run from the room.
“Why not. You have somewhere to be?”
“Ya hell, you?” Cordelia bit back rising from her chair, Her once fluid movements; graceful strides, were uneven causing her stumble. He caught her though and it knocked the breath from both of them, even though he had no need for breath. The pressure of the simple touch weighed heavily against his undead lungs.

Cordelia could not think not with him so tantalizingly close. All the words that wanted so desperately to tumble from her lips, refused to get passed her tongue. Pulling back, she distanced herself from the souled vampire.
“Cor, we need to talk about what happened”
“Why, we were always better at having a mono-syllabic relationship”
“Because, you nearly died after months away from your family, you almost left me for good”
“It’s the way it should be, me burning in hell for eternity and the good fight living on with you, fred, wesley and gunn” Her friends names were hard to hear, as if not having to realize their existence made it easier to cope. To live with what she had done.

Tears unintentionally crowded her eyes and it was as if she could feel the glass cutting in to her anew. Those sharp jagged pains streaking like lightning bolts across her body.
“I hate feeling it” It was the first words she had managed to speak without prompting. Angel felt a pang of guilt, why had he not known it wasn’t her? Why couldn’t he have saved her? The guilt ate at him more everyday and today it seemed to leave a gaping hole. He should have known, she was after all the best thing in his life. Everything in his life had been sunnier by her just being around, the warmth she could exude with just one smile, still ceased to amaze him.

However, those smiles were shadows now, ghosts of days gone by. The girl in front of him, herself, was nothing more then a shell of the woman that promised him all those years ago to never leave.
Cordelia watched a little more intently the people walking along the promenade, they all looked so involved and in touch with the world, with humanity. I remember what it felt like to be connected, to feel alive inside.

“Cordy” she felt more then heard his plea. Cool hands coming to rest across her stomach, pulling her to his chest. As much as she wanted to pull away to show him that nothing mattered to her anymore, it was Angel.

Angel who saved her years ago from Russell, countless demons and now herself. Cordelia sank further into his arms, relishing in the mix of body temperature, his immortally cool skin soaking up her warmth.
“We can do this, you just can’t leave me. I… I… need you”
She felt her lips quirk into the beginnings of a smile, it was not an ‘I love you’ but it was a start, it was all she needed to hear.
“I know Angel and I promise no more going psycho chick on you” Their eyes both fell onto the bandages tightly wound around her thin wrists. Angel’s arms tightened around her reflexively, molding their bodies as close as they could be without becoming one.

“I just hate everything she did to you and Connor” God how she hated saying his name, all the memories came rushing back violently, making her sick to her stomach. That is when she tried to push him away, to hide the tears filling her eyes. Her nails dug into his skin, in an attempt to force his surrender. He did not budge. He bled but did not flinch, did not move when she began to squirm and scream for him to leave. His hands held tighter, his arms winding further around her flat stomach.
“Let me go” Cordelia begged, her tears falling; the sound of sobs struggling past her lips.
“Shh, its okay”
“How can you say that, she, I… slept with him, your son”
Angel let out a shaky breath, remembering the bitter moment he had seen Cordelia wrapped in the arms of his teenage son, their bodies moving as one, while fire rained down from the sky.

“It wasn’t you” He palmed her cheek forcing her dewy gaze to his own. Whatever words he wanted to say, feelings he wanted to express got lost in his head. She was so beautiful and warm and alive. He forgot what it was like to feel her heart beat, his other hand trailing to rest above her breast. Cordelia’s breath caught in her throat, the tears that had fallen forgotten. His eyes, they were staring into her, and she suddenly felt vulnerable and very naked, even in the baggy layer of his sweat suit.
“It wasn’t you,” He repeated whispering this time so he could hear her breathe and nothing else.

“Shh” His thumb caressed her cheek, eyelashes, anything he could feel that was she. Pure woman, curvy and soft, everything he missed. His thumb fell to her lips, running along the plump flesh, her warm breath sending shocks along his body. Until he couldn’t resist leaning in and finally taking what he’d wanted for so long.

The kiss was slow, experimental, and chaste at first, before he opened his eyes and saw her. Brown eyes darkened with desire, breath shallow, she stared at him waiting, wanting. Cordelia did not have to wait long. It had been a year since their lips had touched and it was enough to cause electrifying sparks to form. The built up passion and yearning driving them to the breaking point but now, now there was nothing that could tear them apart. Except breath.

Cordelia flushed, letting her lungs fill with much needed air. It didn’t seem to help her from being short of breath, Angel’s fingers dancing along the column of her throat, to her tense shoulders. Kneading the pressure from her muscles, he moved on, skimming her stomach. Where the thick sweater she wore had begun to ride up, leaving an expanse of naked skin open to him. She sucked in a breath, her body humming from his ministrations.

He tugged at the waist of her sweats, pulling them free from her long tanned legs. Letting his fingers trail along her ankle, slowly reaching the skin of her calves. As his hand slid up to her thigh he looked to her, eyes shining in the moonlit soaked room. Cordelia bit her lip to stop the moan from slipping forth as he finally skimmed her silk thong. His hands moved pressing against her lower back, pulling her into him, so that she was straddling his lap.

Cordelia leaned her head down, capturing his lips in another earth shattering kiss. She could feel her thong being pulled away, just as he felt her fumbling with the zipper of his pants. And all at once, he pushed inside her and their lips were shocked apart. Her eyes went wide, the pure feel of him sliding inside her stealing breath from her already in dire need lungs. The heat was nearly unbearable, her entire body flushed with the fire his touch elicited. Their eyes locked and she smiled, a slow rhythm developing. Tantalizingly slow.

There were no words even as she felt her body explode, stars filling her eyes; she remained silent, watching him as he watched her.

Her arms encircled his neck as he continued to move inside her, faster and faster until she felt him explode. Cordelia’s lips came crashing down upon his, swallowing any words he could rasp.

Cordelia sank against his chest spent and satisfied, her fingers absently toying with the hair at the nape of his neck.
“What do we do now?” Her eyes shone and the ghost of a smile that he had seen on her lips became full and real.
“We go to sleep” She arched an eyebrow at him, poking a nail into his ribs playfully.
“I mean tomorrow, dumbass” Angel swallowed the lump in his throat; she was Cordy and she was real.
“Tomorrow, well… we can worry about tomorrow, tomorrow”
“Well put” She laughed, her entire face lighting up, he relished the feeling of being able to make her feel again, to hear that addictive sound.
“Maybe we’ll see if the Hyperions’ still around”
“Maybe” She smiled again placing a chaste kiss against his lips, allowing him to deepen it for a moment before she pulled away.
“Lets go to bed” He rubbed at his eyes tiredly, but she only shook her head.
“Lets just stay here for now”
Angel did not argue, not with the feeling of her sliding down until she was nestled in his arms again, watching the bright lights of the city shine.

“I love you” He glanced at the window pane where she alone reflected, her long hair falling past her naked shoulders. The sweat suit she once wore bunched into a makeshift blanket along her lean body. He realized no woman had ever shone so radiantly in the darkness, as she did.
“I love you too Cordy” He heard her sigh contentedly as their eyes both turned back to the skyline.



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